Showing posts with label John. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John. Show all posts
9/04/2010
6/19/2010
send-off
Just finished handwriting my first letter to John in Seattle (where he's studying SF writing this summer). But before I wrote to him, I read through many of the weekly letters that I sent him while he was in Japan on his LDS mission. He left for two years just shortly after we met. Those 20 year-old letters are so embarrassingly sappy to me now, and have moments of discomfort that make me cringe. How do you negotiate sensitive topics while halfway around the globe from each other, with a lag of weeks between correspondence (we weren't allowed to talk on the phone, nor could we have afforded it)? There was so much unsaid, so much reading between the lines...so much wondering who we would find when we reunited...
And even though we have many ways of keeping in touch now--it's still gonna be one long summer apart from my love :(
Picture above was taken the Sunday before John left for Japan, following his missionary "farewell" meeting at church. We were so silly & dramatic back then!
And even though we have many ways of keeping in touch now--it's still gonna be one long summer apart from my love :(
Picture above was taken the Sunday before John left for Japan, following his missionary "farewell" meeting at church. We were so silly & dramatic back then!
10/29/2009
a good hair day
Midday yesterday a neighbor dropped by for a neighborly chat (more specifically, she brought her pathology textbook so I could ogle the osteosarcoma x-ray images). I apologized for how I was dressed when I came to the door, explaining that my beachy clothes were rather soggy because I'd just gotten home from paddling with a teammate. Then John poked his head around the corner, he also damp and shirtless. He'd just stepped out of the shower. We joked a bit about the silliness of us both being home mid-day in a state of deshabille...
The truth is that we met for lunch so I could cut his hair--so he could look just a bit less mangy-Neil-Gaiman and a bit more GQ. I'm not the world's best hairstylist, but I've been cutting John's locks since we were first dating. There's little else that I love more than plunging my fingers deep into his dark curls (and for those who've ever heard the story of how we first met, you know that that lovely head of hair was what first caught my eye).
So last night when I was at the Regina Spektor concert, I was so glad that she played Samson in her encore set...because it's long been a song that reminded me of John--there's something so powerful about his lovely hair, if only because it's just one of those many things that make my heart melt whenever he steps into view.
PS: I'm glad he passed the hair genes on to at least one our kids. Methinks the world needs more good hair like his.
The truth is that we met for lunch so I could cut his hair--so he could look just a bit less mangy-Neil-Gaiman and a bit more GQ. I'm not the world's best hairstylist, but I've been cutting John's locks since we were first dating. There's little else that I love more than plunging my fingers deep into his dark curls (and for those who've ever heard the story of how we first met, you know that that lovely head of hair was what first caught my eye).
So last night when I was at the Regina Spektor concert, I was so glad that she played Samson in her encore set...because it's long been a song that reminded me of John--there's something so powerful about his lovely hair, if only because it's just one of those many things that make my heart melt whenever he steps into view.
PS: I'm glad he passed the hair genes on to at least one our kids. Methinks the world needs more good hair like his.
9/14/2009
This post, brought to you by the letter "A" (or, John & I go to LDS court)
My husband was excommunicated from the LDS church last Wednesday night by a council of 12 men led by the three members of our Stake Presidency. Other relevant officials, such as our bishop, were also involved in the proceedings.
I will run through a brief summary of the events and then offer some of my observations about them. Note: to protect the privacy of the people involved, I'm going to discuss some of the actions more generally.
1) We arrived at the appointed time and were asked to wait in a small foyer while the men convened. There was a bit of small talk. I knew most of the men involved with this event and greeted them by first name (I knew more of them than John because of my previous stake-level callings).
2) We were ushered into an office to meet with the man who was officiating at the event. He stressed to us that the event was sacred and should not be discussed, adding that it would not proceed if we insisted on recording any part of it. We affirmed that we would not record it and then he explained to us how the evening would proceed. John was charged with being in apostasy, which our church leaders defined using the CHI definition: "to repeatedly act in clear, open, and deliberate public opposition to the Church or its leaders." We were told that if John didn't deny those charges, the procedure would be over rather quickly. John then requested that whether he accepted or denied the charges, he wanted me to have the opportunity to testify on his behalf. The leader agreed to this.
3) We were led to a side room to meet briefly with our bishop. We exchanged pleasantries, having only met him once before.
4) John was ushered into the Council room. He can speak best on what happened at that point. He did not deny the charges. This portion of the evening was the only time that I was left alone.
5) I was then led into the Council room. To draw a picture for those who have never seen one before: it is a long, rectangular room with a gigantic T-shaped table in the middle. At the head of the "T" sat the Stake Presidency. The room's long walls were lined with about ten men sitting on each side. At the far end of the table from the SP there were two folding chairs. That is where we were directed to sit. When I entered the room everyone was standing. Every man in the room except for John was wearing a dark suit, a white or pastel-colored shirt, and tie. Most of the men were 50+ years of age. There were numerous familiar faces. I will admit that the scene was daunting. I think I even visibly startled for a moment at the sea of suits.
6) After a bit of small talk, I was then asked to offer my opinion on whether John was in apostasy, and was read the above definition. I sat in silence for a few moments, realizing that I could not answer that question.
7) I then explained that I could not answer the question posed to me because I felt that the question was worded far too vaguely for me to answer definitively. I noted that words like "public" and "deliberate" were terms that were open to a variety of interpretations. I then stated that my purpose in testifying was to speak about John's intentions and his character, and to offer my observations that his writings online were in line with his ongoing search for truth, and that I saw no inconsistency between his recent behavior and his decision 20 years ago to be baptized into the church even knowing that doing so was against his family's will. I emphasized that John intended no malice with his writings, that his intentions were to speak truth rather than to destroy faith. And so forth. I believe I spoke for about 5 minutes.
8) I was then asked if I loved John. And he was asked if he loved me. We were led into a small room to meet with our bishop. At this point, I believe the council members were praying to know the Lord's will about the court verdict.
9) My favorite part of the evening was my chat with the Bishop. I suspect that I might have freaked him out a bit with my non-stop description of our family's faith journey. In any case, I got some things off my chest & found a listening ear.
10) John was invited back to the Council room. He can fill in what happened there.
11) John retrieved me from the small room where I was waiting and the various men milling around in the hall made it clear that the meeting was adjourned. I followed John out the door into the night air, the bishop walking alongside. But no one had yet told me the verdict, and there was some awkwardness to the final exchanges between us and the Councilmen. As we neared the car I turned to John & Bishop and asked. They had supposed that I knew John was ex'd. It was a strange end to an odd night. I had thought that there would be a final meeting with a church official to explain the consequences of the ex'ing, specifically how it would affect my temple ordinances, and I felt a bit lost by not having had that. As we drove away John said that the consequences of the ex'ing were never explained to him, either, and that the verdict was given that he was in apostasy and something about excommunication was mumbled afterwards. (I should note that the room where the council was held was gigantic and the man conducting the meeting is so soft-spoken that it was nearly impossible to hear anything he was saying from where we sat.)
Here are some of my initial thoughts about this experience:
--We were told at the beginning of the proceedings that there was little doubt that John would be found in apostasy due to the clarity of his web writings. I found this declaration off-putting given that John's request to know specifically which of his writings were 'apostate' was not considered relevant. The only detail that was offered was a confirmation that he was not being called to court for his stand on Prop. 8.
--Holding a court for 'apostasy' is confusing to me, perhaps because the reasoning behind such activities is never explained. If I had not heard of the September Six, I doubt I would have even known that there was such a thing as a court for apostasy--this is not mainstream Mormon stuff. There is never a point in LDS ritual where members make a covenant to not criticize their leaders or the church (note: there is a moment in the temple where one promises to avoid all lightmindedness, loud laughter, evil speaking of the Lord's anointed, the taking of the name of God in vain, and every other unholy and impure practice. I had always assumed the "evil speaking" bit to mean saying lewd or rude things about church leaders, not critique of church policies--and the meaning of these archaic phrases is never explained in the temple. Also, given that I've never heard of anyone being ex'd for swearing or laughing, it seems a highly selective and arbitrary criteria for cutting someone off from the church). Yes, there are prophetic warnings about avoiding personal apostasy, but I know of nowhere that members are given the handbook definition of apostasy as a behavioral guideline. We did not even know how this term was defined until we asked for clarification prior to the court. I would add that even with the definition given to us I had no idea how it applied to the fuzzy space of internet writing.
--The actual physical dynamic of this event was very strange. We were constantly being ushered in and out of the various rooms. At one point I requested to sit in the foyer outside the council room rather than having to walk back to the holding room down the hall. My request was denied, which seemed very strange. I suppose there is a very rigid protocol that's being followed, but the rules weren't all explained to us and it just felt weird to be led back and forth and all around every few minutes. As I've reflected on why we were carefully corralled and escorted during these proceedings I wondered if there was a concern that we would initiate a protest or invite protesters to 'storm the building.' I have no idea, but it was very strange, indeed.
--John has said that he's satisfied with all that happened. He went expecting to lose his membership and he encountered no surprises there. I couldn't help but find it oddly harsh to have the council only interested in the answer to a single question as a litmus test for a 20-year investment in the church. They didn't care about John's intent, about any of his devotional practices, about his adherence to the commandments, etc. They didn't ask about any unorthodoxies in the realm of sexual behavior or Word of Wisdom (note: typically excommunication in the LDS church happens because of sexual indiscretion). It hurts to know that the church had felt it appropriate and necessary to excommunicate John, when someone like my high school boyfriend who was baptized & active for all of one month is still considered a member in good standing.
--I got the feeling from some of our interactions with church leaders that they expected us to be belligerent or to make a scene at this occasion. Though these were all subtle impressions, it reinforced my sense that all 'apostates' are painted with the same broad brush. John and I have repeatedly affirmed that we would not disrupt meetings or violate the sanctity of church spaces--doing so would be inconsistent with our values. However, overall, it may be that the stigma of the letter "A" will now speak more loudly than anything else John says or does from now on within the Mormon community.
--I don't yet know how this excommunication will affect me or our children. From what I gather, the sealing ordinance that occurred when we married in the Los Angeles Temple is now dissolved (this is the ordinance that binds me and John and our children together in the hereafter). Most Mormons are asked on an annual (or biannual) basis whether they affiliate with or are sympathetic to apostates (or apostate groups). This is part of the list of questions that they must answer to qualify for a temple recommend. Because of this question, I suspect that many active LDS will be wary of being friendly with me or John. When I was more embedded in the church myself, I remember feeling some concern about developing close friendships with excommunicants--I was concerned that doing so was a step forward onto the slippery slope of my own apostasy.
--In this write-up of the events, I've attempted to be fairly objective in my understanding of what happened that night. For those who might not know me (or my blog), I want to make it clear that I do not support the holding of LDS church courts for apostasy. Such events reinforce a hierarchical/patriarchal approach to spirituality that is repulsive to me. While I respect many of the men who participated in this event, I do not respect the reasoning behind it. In my mind, it is an act of violence to cut someone off from the body of the church, essentially 'damning' them from affiliation with church members and from the celestial kingdom (or Mormon heaven) in the afterlife. I see nothing of God or of the divine in such actions.
I will run through a brief summary of the events and then offer some of my observations about them. Note: to protect the privacy of the people involved, I'm going to discuss some of the actions more generally.
1) We arrived at the appointed time and were asked to wait in a small foyer while the men convened. There was a bit of small talk. I knew most of the men involved with this event and greeted them by first name (I knew more of them than John because of my previous stake-level callings).
2) We were ushered into an office to meet with the man who was officiating at the event. He stressed to us that the event was sacred and should not be discussed, adding that it would not proceed if we insisted on recording any part of it. We affirmed that we would not record it and then he explained to us how the evening would proceed. John was charged with being in apostasy, which our church leaders defined using the CHI definition: "to repeatedly act in clear, open, and deliberate public opposition to the Church or its leaders." We were told that if John didn't deny those charges, the procedure would be over rather quickly. John then requested that whether he accepted or denied the charges, he wanted me to have the opportunity to testify on his behalf. The leader agreed to this.
3) We were led to a side room to meet briefly with our bishop. We exchanged pleasantries, having only met him once before.
4) John was ushered into the Council room. He can speak best on what happened at that point. He did not deny the charges. This portion of the evening was the only time that I was left alone.
5) I was then led into the Council room. To draw a picture for those who have never seen one before: it is a long, rectangular room with a gigantic T-shaped table in the middle. At the head of the "T" sat the Stake Presidency. The room's long walls were lined with about ten men sitting on each side. At the far end of the table from the SP there were two folding chairs. That is where we were directed to sit. When I entered the room everyone was standing. Every man in the room except for John was wearing a dark suit, a white or pastel-colored shirt, and tie. Most of the men were 50+ years of age. There were numerous familiar faces. I will admit that the scene was daunting. I think I even visibly startled for a moment at the sea of suits.
6) After a bit of small talk, I was then asked to offer my opinion on whether John was in apostasy, and was read the above definition. I sat in silence for a few moments, realizing that I could not answer that question.
7) I then explained that I could not answer the question posed to me because I felt that the question was worded far too vaguely for me to answer definitively. I noted that words like "public" and "deliberate" were terms that were open to a variety of interpretations. I then stated that my purpose in testifying was to speak about John's intentions and his character, and to offer my observations that his writings online were in line with his ongoing search for truth, and that I saw no inconsistency between his recent behavior and his decision 20 years ago to be baptized into the church even knowing that doing so was against his family's will. I emphasized that John intended no malice with his writings, that his intentions were to speak truth rather than to destroy faith. And so forth. I believe I spoke for about 5 minutes.
8) I was then asked if I loved John. And he was asked if he loved me. We were led into a small room to meet with our bishop. At this point, I believe the council members were praying to know the Lord's will about the court verdict.
9) My favorite part of the evening was my chat with the Bishop. I suspect that I might have freaked him out a bit with my non-stop description of our family's faith journey. In any case, I got some things off my chest & found a listening ear.
10) John was invited back to the Council room. He can fill in what happened there.
11) John retrieved me from the small room where I was waiting and the various men milling around in the hall made it clear that the meeting was adjourned. I followed John out the door into the night air, the bishop walking alongside. But no one had yet told me the verdict, and there was some awkwardness to the final exchanges between us and the Councilmen. As we neared the car I turned to John & Bishop and asked. They had supposed that I knew John was ex'd. It was a strange end to an odd night. I had thought that there would be a final meeting with a church official to explain the consequences of the ex'ing, specifically how it would affect my temple ordinances, and I felt a bit lost by not having had that. As we drove away John said that the consequences of the ex'ing were never explained to him, either, and that the verdict was given that he was in apostasy and something about excommunication was mumbled afterwards. (I should note that the room where the council was held was gigantic and the man conducting the meeting is so soft-spoken that it was nearly impossible to hear anything he was saying from where we sat.)
Here are some of my initial thoughts about this experience:
--We were told at the beginning of the proceedings that there was little doubt that John would be found in apostasy due to the clarity of his web writings. I found this declaration off-putting given that John's request to know specifically which of his writings were 'apostate' was not considered relevant. The only detail that was offered was a confirmation that he was not being called to court for his stand on Prop. 8.
--Holding a court for 'apostasy' is confusing to me, perhaps because the reasoning behind such activities is never explained. If I had not heard of the September Six, I doubt I would have even known that there was such a thing as a court for apostasy--this is not mainstream Mormon stuff. There is never a point in LDS ritual where members make a covenant to not criticize their leaders or the church (note: there is a moment in the temple where one promises to avoid all lightmindedness, loud laughter, evil speaking of the Lord's anointed, the taking of the name of God in vain, and every other unholy and impure practice. I had always assumed the "evil speaking" bit to mean saying lewd or rude things about church leaders, not critique of church policies--and the meaning of these archaic phrases is never explained in the temple. Also, given that I've never heard of anyone being ex'd for swearing or laughing, it seems a highly selective and arbitrary criteria for cutting someone off from the church). Yes, there are prophetic warnings about avoiding personal apostasy, but I know of nowhere that members are given the handbook definition of apostasy as a behavioral guideline. We did not even know how this term was defined until we asked for clarification prior to the court. I would add that even with the definition given to us I had no idea how it applied to the fuzzy space of internet writing.
--The actual physical dynamic of this event was very strange. We were constantly being ushered in and out of the various rooms. At one point I requested to sit in the foyer outside the council room rather than having to walk back to the holding room down the hall. My request was denied, which seemed very strange. I suppose there is a very rigid protocol that's being followed, but the rules weren't all explained to us and it just felt weird to be led back and forth and all around every few minutes. As I've reflected on why we were carefully corralled and escorted during these proceedings I wondered if there was a concern that we would initiate a protest or invite protesters to 'storm the building.' I have no idea, but it was very strange, indeed.
--John has said that he's satisfied with all that happened. He went expecting to lose his membership and he encountered no surprises there. I couldn't help but find it oddly harsh to have the council only interested in the answer to a single question as a litmus test for a 20-year investment in the church. They didn't care about John's intent, about any of his devotional practices, about his adherence to the commandments, etc. They didn't ask about any unorthodoxies in the realm of sexual behavior or Word of Wisdom (note: typically excommunication in the LDS church happens because of sexual indiscretion). It hurts to know that the church had felt it appropriate and necessary to excommunicate John, when someone like my high school boyfriend who was baptized & active for all of one month is still considered a member in good standing.
--I got the feeling from some of our interactions with church leaders that they expected us to be belligerent or to make a scene at this occasion. Though these were all subtle impressions, it reinforced my sense that all 'apostates' are painted with the same broad brush. John and I have repeatedly affirmed that we would not disrupt meetings or violate the sanctity of church spaces--doing so would be inconsistent with our values. However, overall, it may be that the stigma of the letter "A" will now speak more loudly than anything else John says or does from now on within the Mormon community.
--I don't yet know how this excommunication will affect me or our children. From what I gather, the sealing ordinance that occurred when we married in the Los Angeles Temple is now dissolved (this is the ordinance that binds me and John and our children together in the hereafter). Most Mormons are asked on an annual (or biannual) basis whether they affiliate with or are sympathetic to apostates (or apostate groups). This is part of the list of questions that they must answer to qualify for a temple recommend. Because of this question, I suspect that many active LDS will be wary of being friendly with me or John. When I was more embedded in the church myself, I remember feeling some concern about developing close friendships with excommunicants--I was concerned that doing so was a step forward onto the slippery slope of my own apostasy.
--In this write-up of the events, I've attempted to be fairly objective in my understanding of what happened that night. For those who might not know me (or my blog), I want to make it clear that I do not support the holding of LDS church courts for apostasy. Such events reinforce a hierarchical/patriarchal approach to spirituality that is repulsive to me. While I respect many of the men who participated in this event, I do not respect the reasoning behind it. In my mind, it is an act of violence to cut someone off from the body of the church, essentially 'damning' them from affiliation with church members and from the celestial kingdom (or Mormon heaven) in the afterlife. I see nothing of God or of the divine in such actions.
9/09/2009
if there be...
Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear.
~Thomas Jefferson
I'm not going into this event with any fear about eternal consequences. I don't feel any fear about divine reprisal. And I certainly don't fear the disapproval of 15 aged men.
My fear is simply that I will find it difficult to speak my truth. I've been socialized to bow to authority, especially when that authority is cloaked in the trappings of the LDS priesthood. Every time I sat on the opposite side of the desk from one of these leaders in an interview, I 'performed' appropriately. I have not, as of yet, been face-to-face with an LDS church leader and discussed how I really view the world and my place in it.
I suspect that my opportunities to speak in tonite's events will be limited. After all, it's John's court and not mine. But when I do speak, I am hoping to do so from my soul and from my heart. I will be afraid, but if I've learned anything this past few years, it's that fear is normal at times of stress and change. And I will not let fear stop me from living my life authentically.
I find that the ocean has taught me much about facing fear--everytime our canoe dives into the belly of a wave I feel it. It's exhilarating to live through uncertainty and to come out the other side even stronger for it.
"I gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which I must stop and look fear in the face...I say to myself, I've lived through this and can take the next thing that comes along...We must do things we think we cannot do."
~Eleanor Roosevelt
Some other posts about facing fear:
-Casting Faith
-When I was Found Naked
-After dark
-Inside-Out
-What has to be Done
9/06/2009
some time away from it all
Just returned from an anniversary weekend celebration with John. It's so much fun to spend time relaxing and doing things with him! This weekend he took the reins and planned everything--I just showed up and played along. And every moment was chock-full of fun and memories.
Coming home wasn't a downer at all, though. Re-connecting with the kids, the kitties, and the sacred space of our home was so grounding. Nothing (no nothing) can disrupt that peace.
Sundays, especially before a Monday holiday, are times for peace, love and connection. Such pleasure.
7/04/2009
pure yum
Having John back in the kitchen makes everything so right in the world once again! Last year, due to my extended illness, we got out of our local eating habit. This morning after a trip to the Farmer's Market, we are back in business. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be making such conscious healthy choices once again.
Picture above is the bottom layer of a fig, pesto, and mozzarella sandwich that John assembled for our lunch, before it was warmed in the oven. I made the pesto by whirring some basil from our garden with some olive oil, garlic, fresh grated parmesan, and a handful of pecans. Pure yum.
6/07/2009
In Tents.
So I think my life is pretty awesome--I'm always trying something interesting and I generally love any new challenge. But you know what makes it even better? Having an awesome photographer-lover who's recording it all along the way.
Who else would be able to document the gorgeous (early early) morning light in the tent as I dressed for my outrigger race, and so wholly capture the pensiveness that accompanies every race morning as the adrenaline builds and my whole attention is turned to keeping things together for me and my team?
Thank you John, for this and for everything else that's you.
5/09/2009
time and magic and (just a few) tears...
As I was showering after returning home from my first-ever outrigger canoeing race and reflecting a bit on how much fun I'm having with this sport...I couldn't help but think back to where I was a year ago: in the hospital agonizing over an infection in my left leg that just wouldn't heal.
Many of you probably remember the entry I wrote after that night I spent in fear of losing my leg and the hope I had as I was slowly recovering. Back then I had no idea that my battle with the infection would flare up again while I was visiting Denver, or would last well into August.
So as the hot water poured over my head and back I cried a few tears of joy...they were just about as salty as was the water that I swallowed after falling into the San Diego Bay this morning (boo on that nasty red boat who steered their nose under our ama!). But you know what--it didn't matter that we tipped. We recovered quickly, got our wits about us, and still ended up passing many other boats to a solid finish in the race (and I tell you, when we came into the home stretch and heard hundreds of people cheering us home, it didn't matter one bit what place we were in that race). We paddled our best and gave it our all. We had fun. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else but out there this morning! (note to self: adrenaline is a magical drug--I leapt right back into that boat with nary a thought about my inability to do a pullup).
As a Mother's Day/birthday gift John bought me a fancy new steering blade(!!!!). What a great partner he is--seeing me through thick and through thin for the past two decades. That man, he is pure magic--I knew if from the moment I first saw him and he proves it true again every day.
When I had my surgery at the end of last summer, my doc told me it would take at least a year before my leg would be healed through and through. But he was wrong. The healing...it's all done now.
:)
Many of you probably remember the entry I wrote after that night I spent in fear of losing my leg and the hope I had as I was slowly recovering. Back then I had no idea that my battle with the infection would flare up again while I was visiting Denver, or would last well into August.
So as the hot water poured over my head and back I cried a few tears of joy...they were just about as salty as was the water that I swallowed after falling into the San Diego Bay this morning (boo on that nasty red boat who steered their nose under our ama!). But you know what--it didn't matter that we tipped. We recovered quickly, got our wits about us, and still ended up passing many other boats to a solid finish in the race (and I tell you, when we came into the home stretch and heard hundreds of people cheering us home, it didn't matter one bit what place we were in that race). We paddled our best and gave it our all. We had fun. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else but out there this morning! (note to self: adrenaline is a magical drug--I leapt right back into that boat with nary a thought about my inability to do a pullup).
As a Mother's Day/birthday gift John bought me a fancy new steering blade(!!!!). What a great partner he is--seeing me through thick and through thin for the past two decades. That man, he is pure magic--I knew if from the moment I first saw him and he proves it true again every day.
When I had my surgery at the end of last summer, my doc told me it would take at least a year before my leg would be healed through and through. But he was wrong. The healing...it's all done now.
:)
4/22/2009
just the two of us
Being the highly social creatures that John and I are, we tend to do LOTS OF STUFF with friends. For example, when we drop by the pub we tend to do a shout-out to the local crowd, when there's a cultural event happening we invite along other artsy folks, when we travel we plan meetups with all of favorite farflung peeps, and when we have a free evening, there's always something to celebrate at chez Remy. (ok, and even our anniversary trip to Boston two years ago--we either stayed with or metup with friends nearly every bit of the way...)
Oy.
We've decided it's time to carve out some space for just the two of us and we're brainstorming what that might look like...another trip together, perhaps (both Boston and Toronto are enticing us)? A weekly John/Jana datenight? A regular lunchtime meetup?
How do you create space for you and your partner in the midst of a busy and friend-filled life?
3/11/2009
paddlers
John and I as we head out the door to a morning of outrigger canoeing. Do note the abundance of performance clothing to protect us from wet, sun, and wind. We never really know what type of weather will greet us when we get out on the water--so we have to be prepared for almost anything that might come our way.
[And building on the frugal theme with a wardrobe remix rundown: my vest is hand-me-down from my little sister, my tee is a Powell's bookstore shirt gifted to me from my Portland bro, the glasses I got for $2 somewhere (drugstore?), and my pants & John's shirts & the hats are from Nike discount store (yay for little brothers who work for Nike), John's shorts are oldies from Tar-Jay and the crutches I use were $3 or so from the Goodwill. I think John's shades were cheapies from a street vendor that he got for his Neo costume. All in all, a pretty eclectic get-up.]
3/09/2009
question authority
This weekend I scraped off the tattered bumper stickers from our car (Another Family for Peace, Live Simply so Others May Simply Live, and Just Say YES to Equal Marriage Rights) and put on three new ones. One of them, "Question Authority," was John's first choice. The others: a large peace symbol and "Consume Less, Share More" were more of my choosing.
However I had a musing this morning that affirms the significance of the "Question Authority" slogan for me. As I was writing a comment on John's post about the temple ceremony portrayal on the HBO show "Big Love," I had a strong flashback of something that happened many years ago but almost made me cry as I recalled it today.
I'm not someone who has a strong tie to talismans, but I do find that certain items bring back a lot of memories. For example, I can tell you when and where I've acquired every item of furniture, or books, or the plants in my garden...I love the stories of "things" (which is probably why I love my chosen profession so much).
Many years ago John gave me a simple pair of earrings that had small white flowers dangling from them. I will emphasize the small part (I'd say there were about 4-5mm in diameter). Now those of you who've read my New Era story know that part of my affinity for flowers and gardens comes from a particular moment with my Dad when he gave me encouragement after my amputation surgery. So these small earrings that John gave me I wore to my Dad's funeral and then every time after that it was in some small way linking me to my Dad and to that special moment that we shared. I took to wearing these earrings to the temple, given that they matched my white clothing nicely and because they reminded me of how special my Dad was to me and they represented my carrying his memory with me in a symbolic way. It seems silly now as I write this, but it was important to me at that time--I'd grieved so deeply when he died.
So one day when I was stepping out of the dressing room at the temple and going to the area to wait for the next endowment session a female temple worker stopped me and told me that my earrings were inappropriate and I would have to remove them before I could pass into the ordinance areas of the temple. I questioned her lightly about why and explained that I'd worn them frequently in the temple before. "No dangly earrings are allowed," she said firmly.
I went back to my locker and curled up and cried as I took off the earrings. I don't know what has happened to them since then and I don't remember ever wearing them again.
So many things in my life have happened that are beyond my control...the loss of my leg, the loss of loved ones, and a lifetime of related health problems. And for much of my life I submitted the dictums of LDS authority, surrendering much of the control of my life to the sometimes-arbitrary though often-institutionalized leadership of the church. Perhaps this is why I have some 'control issues' now. There's a headiness to being able to chart my own course and decide what I will wear and when, or what I will drink, or where I will spend my Sunday mornings.
And today I put on these earrings before I even knew I'd be writing this post. They are reminding me of flowers, family, and how much some things change and how much some things stay the same.
UPDATE: As I was teasing back the layers of this memory while I ate lunch on my back porch (love the new table!!), I remembered one more very salient detail: the temple experience happened during a time when John did not hold a temple recommend (because of his loss of belief) and I was going to the temple alone. The earrings were a tie from me to him to my father (a man whom he had loved and respected so much). Again, such a small thing, but it's funny to remember how badly I was already wounded then and I was struggling to find comfort in the smallest of object and rituals. Of course I didn't stop being LDS because some stranger didn't like my earrings. But I was so fragile then and it couldn't help but contribute to my feelings of sorrow, of loss, of doubt, and of weariness with a tradition that no longer gave me the strength for my journey.
However I had a musing this morning that affirms the significance of the "Question Authority" slogan for me. As I was writing a comment on John's post about the temple ceremony portrayal on the HBO show "Big Love," I had a strong flashback of something that happened many years ago but almost made me cry as I recalled it today.
I'm not someone who has a strong tie to talismans, but I do find that certain items bring back a lot of memories. For example, I can tell you when and where I've acquired every item of furniture, or books, or the plants in my garden...I love the stories of "things" (which is probably why I love my chosen profession so much).
Many years ago John gave me a simple pair of earrings that had small white flowers dangling from them. I will emphasize the small part (I'd say there were about 4-5mm in diameter). Now those of you who've read my New Era story know that part of my affinity for flowers and gardens comes from a particular moment with my Dad when he gave me encouragement after my amputation surgery. So these small earrings that John gave me I wore to my Dad's funeral and then every time after that it was in some small way linking me to my Dad and to that special moment that we shared. I took to wearing these earrings to the temple, given that they matched my white clothing nicely and because they reminded me of how special my Dad was to me and they represented my carrying his memory with me in a symbolic way. It seems silly now as I write this, but it was important to me at that time--I'd grieved so deeply when he died.
So one day when I was stepping out of the dressing room at the temple and going to the area to wait for the next endowment session a female temple worker stopped me and told me that my earrings were inappropriate and I would have to remove them before I could pass into the ordinance areas of the temple. I questioned her lightly about why and explained that I'd worn them frequently in the temple before. "No dangly earrings are allowed," she said firmly.
I went back to my locker and curled up and cried as I took off the earrings. I don't know what has happened to them since then and I don't remember ever wearing them again.
So many things in my life have happened that are beyond my control...the loss of my leg, the loss of loved ones, and a lifetime of related health problems. And for much of my life I submitted the dictums of LDS authority, surrendering much of the control of my life to the sometimes-arbitrary though often-institutionalized leadership of the church. Perhaps this is why I have some 'control issues' now. There's a headiness to being able to chart my own course and decide what I will wear and when, or what I will drink, or where I will spend my Sunday mornings.
And today I put on these earrings before I even knew I'd be writing this post. They are reminding me of flowers, family, and how much some things change and how much some things stay the same.
UPDATE: As I was teasing back the layers of this memory while I ate lunch on my back porch (love the new table!!), I remembered one more very salient detail: the temple experience happened during a time when John did not hold a temple recommend (because of his loss of belief) and I was going to the temple alone. The earrings were a tie from me to him to my father (a man whom he had loved and respected so much). Again, such a small thing, but it's funny to remember how badly I was already wounded then and I was struggling to find comfort in the smallest of object and rituals. Of course I didn't stop being LDS because some stranger didn't like my earrings. But I was so fragile then and it couldn't help but contribute to my feelings of sorrow, of loss, of doubt, and of weariness with a tradition that no longer gave me the strength for my journey.
2/18/2009
goofing around
I think I was folding laundry when John grabbed me around the shoulders and snapped this pic. It's a bit, um, unsettling to live with someone who has a camera in hand nearly all the time. I'm starting to get used to it, though. (isn't he a cutie? and that HAIR...jealous, much).
2/01/2009
vintage
The Edwardian Ball was held in a old LA theater that's mostly closed-down these days, but is used sometimes for movie filming (Mulholland Drive was filmed there). All was in a state of decrepitude and disrepair--loose railings, peeling paint, soiled carpeting (where the carpet was extant), bathroom doors askew, etc. A perfect venue for a cabaret-punk style event.
I enjoyed watching the parade of costumes, marveling at the creativity and ingenuity of each attendee. Of course the music and the goth/vaudeville-style show were great, too.
Most of all, it was fun to share it with John & friends.
1/25/2009
I ♥ dilly.
No tattoos on this body of mine, just John's temporary doodles.
Did you know John calls me "Dilly"? I love that he's had this special name for me ever since our honeymoon...
PS: See the table and candles in the background? This pic was taken just after meditation.
1/23/2009
12/21/2008
still holding on...
Our first date was just over 19 years ago (December 14, 1989). John and I have grown up with each other, having spent more than half of our lives together now, in many ways seeming more like siblings than lovers...Sometimes I wonder what I saw in him then that told me he would continue to hold my attention even after all these years.
I've loved him as I have loved no other. It is he who taught me the true meaning of hope.
I have been overcome by the beauty and richness of our life together, those early mornings setting out, those evenings gleaming with rivers and lakes below us, still holding the last light.
~Anne Morrow Lindbergh
10/26/2008
all dressed up...
Here's John and I prepping for a costume party last night (you can see me going for John's jugular here). Very fun!
What are you going to be for Halloween?
8/31/2008
so sweet
Went to Meeting this morning for the first time in many weeks. Felt so buoyed by the smiling faces of Friends. I had some important insights while I was there, but most of all I just let myself be happy that I felt well enough to attend again.
John and I will celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary tomorrow even though the official date is Tuesday (we tied the knot on 9/2/92--isn't that a great date and we didn't even plan it to happen that way!). I guess the traditional gift for this anniversary is "silver holloware" (whatever). Not our style. We're going to keep it simple and maybe watch a video, share some memories and go to sleep in each others' arms.
Me, I'm hoping that I get a pretty good backrub. That's what I always want most anyways.
Oh, and I'm baking a chocolate zucchini cake for dessert. Yum!
:)
What have been your favorite ways to mark your anniversaries? Perhaps nothing will top Boston for quite some time, but I am looking forward to the attempt to in the years that lie ahead....
8/21/2008
Because he sings to me...
John left this morning for the long drive to retrieve our kiddoes from Northern Utah, where they've been staying with relatives for the past few weeks during my recuperation.
He rented a car to make the long drive (because our rarely-used beater isn't up for such things anymore) and came home with a Mustang--the agency was out of every other kind of compact or economy car. When John brought the car home he revved it up a bit in the parking lot and then took me for a drive around the backside of the campus. When I closed my eyes I was in high school again, behind the wheel of my 70's vintage Mustang, racing down Truxtun Ave with the stereo cranked up. I was so cool and free. It wasn't until I bought my first "practical" car (a Nissan Sentra) that I realized the power that was the Mustang. It had been a police car, rebuilt by my grandpa for all of his hot dates with his then-girlfriend. When he died, it was my inheritance. When I went to college, my younger brothers took it over--and at that point it gained the appellation of "The Crustang".
John's already called
Because I'm in a reminiscent, sentimental mood, I'll suggest a few good reads from past blogentries about John:
--John, singing for Jesus
--John and THE CHAIR
---John and his hair
--John is a priest and a pirate and a nemesis of Harry Potter
--John wears skirts (just for me)
--John fights werewolves
--John saves the day
--and, finally, John in almost all of his glory (with a youtube clip of our shipboard anniversary getaway that took us to Paris and beyond...)
The pic above is a family favorite--taken by a beloved professor friend (she was trying just to get a few romantic shots of John & I and the kiddoes kept creeping into the photo). This image hangs over our kitchen table.
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If someone had told me on September 2, 1992 that 18 years later I'd still be married to John, that I'd be nearly finished with my Ph.D., that our children would be such outstanding people, that I'd be paddling on the ocean several times a week, and that I'd be ambulating on a bionic leg...I would probably have believed them. Because ever since I met John the magic of our lives has just continued on and on...