if there be...

bright, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear.
~Thomas Jefferson

I'm not going into this event with any fear about eternal consequences. I don't feel any fear about divine reprisal. And I certainly don't fear the disapproval of 15 aged men.

My fear is simply that I will find it difficult to speak my truth. I've been socialized to bow to authority, especially when that authority is cloaked in the trappings of the LDS priesthood. Every time I sat on the opposite side of the desk from one of these leaders in an interview, I 'performed' appropriately. I have not, as of yet, been face-to-face with an LDS church leader and discussed how I really view the world and my place in it.

I suspect that my opportunities to speak in tonite's events will be limited. After all, it's John's court and not mine. But when I do speak, I am hoping to do so from my soul and from my heart. I will be afraid, but if I've learned anything this past few years, it's that fear is normal at times of stress and change. And I will not let fear stop me from living my life authentically.

I find that the ocean has taught me much about facing fear--everytime our canoe dives into the belly of a wave I feel it. It's exhilarating to live through uncertainty and to come out the other side even stronger for it.

"I gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which I must stop and look fear in the face...I say to myself, I've lived through this and can take the next thing that comes along...We must do things we think we cannot do."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Some other posts about facing fear:
-Casting Faith
-When I was Found Naked
-After dark
-What has to be Done


Aerin said...

I love that Leonard Cohen song, if that's where you are taking your post title from.

Good thoughts sent your way.

catbonny said...

I hope that you will get to be as honest and true as you want to be tonight. Lots of thoughts are coming your way via me.

Megan said...

The fact that you are going with John is speaking your truth. You write your truth here, you live your truth daily. But yes, I do understand the fear.

I hope you have the chance to speak with passion but without anger, with honesty and without blame. I'm pretty sure your half will be just this, the rest, the choice to hear anger or blame, is up to them. It's a difficult thing when there is so very much at stake for the men you're facing.

You both are in my thoughts - I admire you so deeply for what you are doing today.

ECS said...

Will be thinking of you and John tonight. Christopher Robin is right.

Erin G. said...

Thinking of you and your beautiful family today!

G said...

my thoughts have been with you all day and especially I will be thinking of you both this evening.

I experience tremendous difficulty in speaking my truth to authority figures who disagree/disapprove of my thoughts/beliefs/ actions. My own socializing is deeply rooted.

You and John have shown tremendous examples of authenticity and courage; I honor and admire you both for this.

EmilyCC said...

Keeping you and John in my heart today, dear friend.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts are with you and John. Be strong in speaking what you know and believe.


belleshpgrl said...

I hope deep in my heart that you left last night feeling true to yourself. I cannot imagine what you must have gone through.