Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear.
I'm not going into this event with any fear about eternal consequences. I don't feel any fear about divine reprisal. And I certainly don't fear the disapproval of 15 aged men.
My fear is simply that I will find it difficult to speak my truth. I've been socialized to bow to authority, especially when that authority is cloaked in the trappings of the LDS priesthood. Every time I sat on the opposite side of the desk from one of these leaders in an interview, I 'performed' appropriately. I have not, as of yet, been face-to-face with an LDS church leader and discussed how I really view the world and my place in it.
I suspect that my opportunities to speak in tonite's events will be limited. After all, it's John's court and not mine. But when I do speak, I am hoping to do so from my soul and from my heart. I will be afraid, but if I've learned anything this past few years, it's that fear is normal at times of stress and change. And I will not let fear stop me from living my life authentically.
I find that the ocean has taught me much about facing fear--everytime our canoe dives into the belly of a wave I feel it. It's exhilarating to live through uncertainty and to come out the other side even stronger for it.
"I gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which I must stop and look fear in the face...I say to myself, I've lived through this and can take the next thing that comes along...We must do things we think we cannot do."
Some other posts about facing fear:
-When I was Found Naked
-What has to be Done