Seattle-bound

My plans for this trip had to change at the last minute, due to my confusion over the ferry schedule back to Seattle.  So instead of an extra day to explore Vancouver Island, I gained a day to explore Seattle (how odd that it is, really, considering that in just a few days, John will be settling into making this city his new temporary home…).  One of the joys of such a spontaneous change is that I was able to quickly make contact with a Seattle blogger that I’ve followed for several years.  She and I shared a friend in Sara, but have never met.  We also share a love for gardening and the Japanese culture, as well as experience with cancer.


The change in travel plans has meant less time as a tourist—I never did even make it to a tea shop in Victoria—but more time talking with fellow travelers at my conference.  Last night I ended up sharing dinner with a woman that I’d just met, after we learned that we had children of similar ages and temperaments (and we’d bought similar take-home gifts in the UVic bookstore).  As we walked on we realized that both of our spouses build/manage databases and we also share a passion for 19^th-century women’s history.  Sharing a cab to the ferry this morning I had similarly provocative conversations with scholars from California,New York, and Illinois.

As I write this, I’m looking out over the rolling waters of the Juan de Fuca strait and dreaming about paddling those waters someday.  My very small taste of the Pacific Northwest & Vancouver Island has me convinced that this is a place to return to again soon.  A place that I could even call home someday.  But even more than the connection that I’m finding to the cities and structures of the area, I’m feeling full of the conversations and connections that’ve emerged in the past few days.  I’m coming home full of ideas and possibilities, ready for even more such experiences at the conferences coming up in July, and for my research projects.

early rising

steps to nowhere, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

This morning I awakened spontaneously, at about 6am. Perhaps it was the soft light filtering through the windows that woke me, perhaps it was the noises of Friends around me stretching and shifting in their bunks. In any case, I figured that as long as I was up so early, I would attend the early Meeting for Healing that was scheduled before breakfast.

We were staying in Temescal Canyon, just a few miles away from Malibu, with Quakers from all over southern California. It was our family's first regional Quaker gathering--so much of it was new to us.

For example, the night before I'd watched a group of Friends worshipfully dancing in rhythm around candles. That had been strange to me, but beautiful. I hadn't ever seen anyone participating sacred dance before. I'd sat and watched out of the corner of my eye while chatting with a few other women. Amazed at bodies young and old, in rapture. I'd been tempted to join in, but realized that I could enjoy it better from watching on the sidelines...

This morning as I stepped into the room where the Meeting for Healing was taking place, it seemed like any other Meeting for Worship. A small group of Friends sat in a simple circle of chairs. The one main difference was the empty chair in the center. Within a few moments a woman stepped forward and sat in the chair. All remained silent for quite some time. And then another woman walked over to her and placed her hands on the other woman's head. Then hovered her hands over the seated woman's shoulders, neck, and arms. Then she walked around and hovered her hands over the Friend's legs. Then she returned to standing behind her chair again and placed her hands on her head for several moments.

After some silent time, that woman left the center chair and another woman took her place. A Friend from the circle came up behind her and wrapped her in a warm embrace, holding her tightly for several minutes.

This process continued through several different people who chose to sit in the chair. Friends spontaneously rose and ministered to them in very physical and loving ways. Through embrace and touch.

I was moved by this so deeply that it was hard for me to process what I was seeing. Such generosity of spirit. Without rules. Without gender. Without words. Wrapped in love, hope and faith. It was as mystical and as strange to me as the dancing had been the night before. But it was also completely comfortable and familiar.

When I was in the hospital last summer, our Meeting gathered and prayed for my healing. Then, I had no idea then what exactly it meant for Friends to minister to each others' bodies and spirits in such an intimate manner.
But I'm beginning to understand now.
And I'm also slowly realizing that those times I am so insistent on carrying my own burdens...
even when they are weighty...
Perhaps sometimes
I can let a Friend reach out and help me along the way.

Picture of some stone steps along a pathway near the Lodge where we at our meals at Temescal Canyon. I loved the stonework all around the camp area and especially here, covered in red leaves.

el dia

farmers market flower seller, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

I saw big bunches of marigolds at the Farmers' Market flower seller yesterday and remembered that El Dia de los Muertos is approaching. I wanted to buy an armful of them, but instead bought practical things like onions and apples and cucumbers.

I got up extra early this morning, wanting to spend my daylight savings hour doing something memorable. So I greeted the sun in a quiet house while reading poetry. The poem below reminded me of my friend Alana, who dressed as a spider deity for Halloween. She told us that she keeps a strand of spiders on her wall year-round--they remind her that one's daily work is to spin a web, even knowing that it will probably be destroyed, but to get up each morning and continue spinning anyways.

At our little Halloween gathering we did brief tarot readings of each attendee. Some of the cards were affirming, promising prosperity and success. Some were sobering reminders of one's priorities (dissertations, anyone?). I pulled the Three of Swords, which is not a happy card--signaling betrayal and pain like a stab in the heart. But as soon as I saw it I was delighted and knew it was mine. It felt right to have an open wound acknowledged, to speak of my hurting.

A Noiseless Patient Spider
by Walt Whitman

A noiseless, patient spider,
I mark'd, where, on a little promontory, it stood, isolated;
Mark'd how, to explore the vacant, vast surrounding,
It launch'd forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself;
Ever unreeling them--ever tirelessly speeding them.

And you, O my Soul, where you stand,
Surrounded, surrounded, in measureless oceans of space,
Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing,--seeking the spheres, to
connect them;
Till the bridge you will need, be form'd--till the ductile anchor
hold;
Till the gossamer thread you fling, catch somewhere, O my Soul.

I think my soul is truly surrounded in measureless oceans of space. That phrase captures so much of what I feel and where I am. Thank you, Walt.

I shall wear purple (in my hair)

I can wear flowers in my hair every day!, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

This year I celebrated the 25th anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. With that, I held a spectacular fundraiser to provide prosthetic limbs for a Chinese girl who was my same age when she lost her legs. Such an exciting event!

Recently an IMUA teammate was diagnosed with cancer and shaved her head in preparation for chemo. Oh how well I remember the trauma of losing my hair! It came out in big handfuls over the span of about two weeks, until it became so thin that I started wearing a wig. In solidarity with our teammate, many IMUAns added a streak of pink to their hair or shaved their head, too. I'm not much into the pink activism that surrounds breast cancer, so I opted out of the pink streaks and instead added a bit of purple (with Sharine's help--thanks!!).

Adding some purple to my hair is not something that I'd normally do--I'm a plain Jane sort of gal. But so far it's been super-fun to have that bit of color showing through. I love that every time I look in the mirror I have an affirmation of life beyond cancer. And that feels very good, indeed.

Another of my friends is doing a fundraiser for a cancer charity in honor of her mother's recent diagnosis. She's shaving her head soon and I'm so excited for her (and also for the neat hats that she's knit to go along with this adventure).

I'd love to hear about the ways that you've supported your family members and friends with their cancer diagnoses and other ailments. Tell me all about it!

on cancer, canoes and connectedness

About a year ago, when I was on an adventure in Boston, I met up with my friend Sara. Or rather, she met up with me--waiting eagerly at the train station at 6am-ish as I arrived not-so-freshly from a cross-country red-eye flight.

We spent a magical day together, filled with good strong coffee & bundt cake, napping on the couch with the rascally Sam-kitty, visiting Author's Ridge, and then the very best part: we spontaneously decided to go canoeing down the Concord River. Let me just say why this was kind of an odd idea. Me, I'd been seriously ill for the previous six months and had just had surgery three weeks earlier. Sara had also had a rough year herself(!), including surgery for a brain tumor and metastasized cancer in various places around her body. Oh, and we both happened to be missing our right legs, too (that damn cancer, taking both of our legs many years ago). But we did it anyways. It was a gorgeous autumn day on the river, straight out of a postcard. We paddled for an hour out and about as long back in. We talked and she joked about my awful steering (ha! the irony!). I hadn't been canoeing in years and it meant so much to me to be out on the water with Sara, in that very special place.

Fast forward a few months...when I learned that Sara had died. Within hours of hearing the news, I was out on the water paddling with my outrigger canoe team. I wanted to tell my new teammates about how sad and empty I was feeling, but I knew I couldn't hold it together to even speak the words. I just paddled and felt my gut wrench with every stroke. At one point we paused in the mouth to the harbor and I looked out over the waves and the rolling sea and connected with Sara one last time and said good-bye.

There's something special about the space between the open sea and the calmer channel waters. The boat floats differently there, as if it's eager to get out on the ocean. The anticipation picks up, along with the current and the cresting waves on the rocks. While there I find myself gazing out to the ocean, feeling its pulse and sensing my place in all of it.

I don't pray anymore and I don't believe in divine intervention in my life. But if there was a place where wishes could come true, where I could believe for a moment that I really was connected to something cosmically bigger than myself and my hopes could be made manifest, it would be right there in the harbor mouth. And that's how I felt again tonite, too.

why I am missing out on all the fun this year

The Sunstone Symposium is an event that I look forward to every year. It's a chance to re-connect with old friends and to make new ones. I chat, discuss, explore, debate, and generally find myself completely intellectually stimulated. Last year, for example, I practically moved mountains to be there--flying across the West just days after my surgery to make a 3-hour appearance. I was in horrible pain, but it was so worth it. I needed to be buoyed by the love of my brothers and sisters after all that I'd been through.

This year, however, I've long planned to attend and when it came down to finalizing my plans I realized that it just wasn't going to work out--for so many reasons. A few of them:

--My lingering cough (going on week #4) now is only slowly abating. The dry desert air of Albuquerque exacerbated it so much that I had difficulty even giving my paper last weekend. I am not at all excited about traveling across and to another desert climate so soon again. I fear it would prolong my healing by weeks.

--The damn economy: John's hefty paycut, my canceled summer school class, and the still-looming fear of John's position being nixed altogether as UCI implements its huge budget cuts. Also, the reality that my department no longer has any funding for me and no one's hiring History professors. We had friends (bless you!) willing to help with our travel costs/accommodations, but the crux of the matter is that the cost of being away for the weekend was too high for us, right now.*

--We need some family time. When we go to Sunstone the kids are either stuck hanging out at the back of conference sessions or they stay 90 miles away in Cache Valley with extended family. CatGirl and GameBoy are growing up so fast, we hate to keep using our vacation time for activities that aren't centered around them. We've been doing a few local 'stay-cation' type activities this summer and intend to continue this until school resumes, rather than taking a longer trip that will exclude them.

There are other reasons, too, having to do with my overall inability to balance everything in my life right now. I feel the need to simplify some of my commitments. I realize that just trying to be a PhD student and a parent/spouse takes nearly all of my time. Adding in teaching and exercise and gardening and housekeeping between the gaps and nearly every moment of every day is packed. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that sometimes I have to make choices and let things go. This is one of those times. I will miss my friends desperately this weekend and I am so so sorry to not be there in person to speak on my panel. However, my thoughts will be read by someone else & I'll also be posting my talk here on the blog. So anyone else who's had to make similarly tough choices about Sunstone, can participate vicariously here along with me.

*I should add: we are doing fine economically due to our typically-frugal ways--we're just erring on the side of caution right now, e.g. wanting our car to last a few more years, avoiding large purchases, etc. Vacations for a family of 4 are pretty expensive, even when you have friends to stay with, a vehicle to borrow, or folks sharing their food. :)

on swimming, by moonlight

Moon Hiding, originally uploaded by vajra.

During my recent trip to Albuquerque I took very few pictures. I think I needed to just experience the trip rather than document it visually. So here are a few verbal 'snapshots' of my travels to share with you:

--Desert rain as I arrived in town. The shuttle driver telling me that I should have brought an umbrella. The smell of the wet hot breeze wafting across adobe plazas.

--Swimming by moonlight in a courtyard pool (this very moon that vajra captured in her photo), after sweet-talking a security guard into letting me (& friends) stay past closing time. Then the tolling of bells ringing out over the city, marking the late hour.

--the characters of Albuquerque including the eccentric Ben Michael whose rustic restaurant and anti-corporate rants charmed me, the baker who admitted that he liked processed bread better than the flaky handmade pastries of his that I enjoyed, the waitress at Julia's who was so hospitable that I couldn't help but adore her quirky cafe (and oh, those watermelon napkins, the hot green chile sauce that liquified my sinuses and the honey & frybread that reminded me so much of mom's sopapillas that I was a child again), and the random strangers, including the hardened-looking man smoking with his buddy who was so eager to give me directions thru Old Town.

--agave tea at the KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) cafe, that made my throat feel so much better

--my colleagues: who are brilliant and witty. I loved sitting around the table & hearing about their research and their dreams for the future. There's such comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in my passion for the past, and that there are others who share my quirkiness. I especially appreciated their tolerance for my complete lack of direction, so when I said "I think that cafe is somewhere over there," they were willing to follow (and gently nudge me in the correct direction along the way).

--the salty-looking shuttle driver as I left town, who had a PhD in Philosophy and who helped me remember that anyone might be so terrifically interesting and well-spoken that I need to be 'present' even at 5 am after a night of fitful sleep.

PS: pic above taken by Vajra, who I met up with (in person!) while in Albuquerque. What fun it was to get a text message saying "I'm wearing a large blue hat and sitting in the plaza on the west side of the San Felipe church." The wandering around that ensued as I asked locals "which way is west?," "Where is the church?," etc, was the best possible treasure hunt!

thank you from Huang Meihua

Huang Meihua, the 12 year-old girl who was the recipient of my birthday wish donations, sent this thank you note to me and to all of those who contributed. Our money was wired to her family this week, for her ongoing medical care (and specifically for those prosthetic legs that she needs).

Friends, you are WONDERFUL.

A note for you:

I’m Brecken, the director of HandReach — the one who got to actually collect the money that Jana raised for her birthday wish to Meihua, the 12-year-old in China whose legs had been amputated in the Sichuan earthquake. We wired the money Jana raised to Meihua’s family about a week ago, and our coordinator in China told Meihua how “Auntie Jana” had raised this money in honor of her own birthday. Meihua said she was very touched and inspired by Jana’s big heart, thinking of others instead of just thinking about her own life. She said she hopes to grow up to be a woman like Jana someday and help children who need it. I’ll be meeting Meihua personally in a couple of weeks, and will look forward to sharing the photos of Meihua’s new prosthetic legs with Jana and all of her wonderful friends!

A FaceBook & Social Media Success Story

As my birthday neared last month I received an email from the Facebook "Causes" application, suggesting that I could put a Birthday Wish on my FB page to gather donations for a favorite charity in lieu of birthday gifts. At first I was reluctant to participate. I tend to dislike FB apps and I don't want to annoy my FB friends with frivolous emails or requests. However, I let the idea gel for a few days and then decided that it might be worth fundraising for HandReach, a non-profit that provides and education and medical care for children in China. When my friend Brecken (who works for HandReach) visited a few weeks ago I felt drawn to her stories of the children who were severely burned or disabled and were in need of prosthetics to replace missing limbs.

So I decided to jump in and do it, despite my initial hesitancy. As I logged onto the application it gave me many options for my "wish," including setting a suggested donation amount ($38 because I was turning 38 years old), sending out individual messages to each of my FB friends, letting the application take over my status messages for the duration of the fundraising, and setting a reasonable campaign goal (I chose $380 thinking that maybe 10 of my friends might want to contribute).

What ensued blew me away.

I met my $380 goal within a few hours, then upped it to $600 and met that quickly, too. I then set the seemingly unreachable goal of $1000 and met that long before my actual birthday. What an amazing experience it was to see the donations and well-wishes pouring in from friends near and far.

Words aren't enough to tell you how much joy it brought to be a part of this campaign and to experience the goodness and generosity of my friends. And I'd call this a tremendous success story for the potential of social media. While I think Facebook and Twitter can be huge time-wasters, they also have HUGE potential for connecting groups of likeminded people for doing good. We saw this with the impact of social media on the last election and I'm sure that we will continue to see its ripple effects in the months and years to come. It's invigorating (even seductive) to participate in these forms of media and to get a feel for their immediacy and power.

After the hoopla of my Birthday Wish was over, one of the developers of the Causes application contacted me about the success of my fundraising efforts. From her I learned that my Wish had earned more funding than most, and they wanted learn why I was so successful. In a nutshell, these were my thoughts:

I picked this particular organization because they give money for medical care to amputees in China--I am an amputee myself so this is a Cause that I'm passionate about and that most of my friends have sympathy for through my experiences. My advice to those who are considering a Birthday Wish is to choose an organization that reflects your own experiences and interests--so your friends will feel invested in supporting your Cause.

One reason I believe I received so many donations is that I not only had FB announcing my Cause, but I also did daily blogposts leading up to my birthday about my Wish, I tweeted the link daily, which was 're-tweeted' by some friends.

I found myself incredibly satisfied with the overall functionality of the Causes application and would encourage each of you to consider a Birthday Wish campaign. I look forward to seeing what Cause would motivate you to forgo birthday presents, and wish the developers of this application the best of luck in their efforts in using Facebook for such positive ends.

from blossoms (and peaches)

from blossoms

from blossoms comes
this brown paper bag of peaches
we bought from the joy
at the bend in the road where we turned toward
signs painted peaches.

from laden boughs, from hands,
from sweet fellowship in the bins,
comes nectar at the roadside, succulent
peaches we devour, dusty skin and all,
comes the familiar dust of summer, dust we eat.

o, to take what we love inside,
to carry within us an orchard, to eat
not only the skin, but the shade,
not only the sugar, but the days, to hold
the fruit in our hands, adore it, then bite into
the round jubilance of peach.

there are days we live
as if death were nowhere
in the background; from joy
to joy to joy, from wing to wing,
from blossom to blossom to
impossible blossom, to sweet impossible blossom.

~li-young lee

(h/t to vintagedramas for the poem)

My peach tree is chock-full of hard green knobs right now. And as I do every year around this time, I am dreaming of peaches

Surfer Girls.

Surfer Girls., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

My first surf lesson. Very fun. Didn't surf much but I laughed hard and swallowed much salty water.

Thanks Elise and Ryan! :)

a quarter of a century

On this day, 25 years ago, I was sitting in a hospital bed surrounded by family members as my doctors told me that my leg would have to be amputated due to the large cancerous tumor in my knee. I tell you...my life seemed over at that moment. Over.

I was 12 years old and had just had my first chemo treatment. I'd been vomiting repeatedly and knew that my hair would soon fall out. Two days before I'd had a biopsy of my knee to confirm the diagnosis of osteosarcoma. But even after I learned that it was cancer and learned that I would have months and months of high-dose chemotherapy, it had never occurred to me that I would lose my leg.

I'm usually been rather blue on the anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. It's a hard time with many painful memories that resurface. But this year is totally different.

In case you hadn't heard the news already via FaceBook, I wanted all of you to know that I, or shall I say WE, met and exceeded the goal of raising $1000 for HandReach and for Huang Meihua's prosthetic legs. I'm crying right now as I type this. Big hot tears of joy. Sure, I've "lost" a few things over the years...but in the meantime I've gained the most amazing friends. Saying thank you is just not enough, but I'll say it anyways: Thank You! You are the best. You really are. Now go and have a wonderful weekend knowing that we just accomplished something absolutely amazing together.

:)

one of those moments...

joy!, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Life has had its share of stresses and frustrations lately, so much so that for about the past three months I've had to put effort into finding space to "get away from it all for awhile." Though I love the work I do as a PhD student, it has a way of filling up my mind and my life in ways that make it difficult to ever feel like I have time off.

So Saturday was one of those moments when John and I were able to escape for a bit of a date night (time for just the two of us--yay!) and chose to watch a friend's Roller Derby team match. It's a pretty unlikely event for me to attend, so the novelty made it even more fun, I'd say.

I really loved this picture of me with Alicia (wearing her cute roller derby uniform)--it's so spontaneous and happy.

Pic by John

just the two of us

post-concert Japanese food--YUM!, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Being the highly social creatures that John and I are, we tend to do LOTS OF STUFF with friends. For example, when we drop by the pub we tend to do a shout-out to the local crowd, when there's a cultural event happening we invite along other artsy folks, when we travel we plan meetups with all of favorite farflung peeps, and when we have a free evening, there's always something to celebrate at chez Remy. (ok, and even our anniversary trip to Boston two years ago--we either stayed with or metup with friends nearly every bit of the way...)

Oy.

We've decided it's time to carve out some space for just the two of us and we're brainstorming what that might look like...another trip together, perhaps (both Boston and Toronto are enticing us)? A weekly John/Jana datenight? A regular lunchtime meetup?

How do you create space for you and your partner in the midst of a busy and friend-filled life?

just beachy :)

Had gorgeous weather this weekend and wonderful friends to spend it with. :)

signed by AFP

Amanda Palmer signs my foot at secret Los Angeles show, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Had a spontaneous meetup with rockstarAmanda Palmer this afternoon (at an intimate local venue after she twittered an invitation)...

The whole experience echoed my previous experience with Amanda, but this was far more relaxed and unscripted. We stood at her feet as she played and sang, we all sat around and chatted on some couches during and after her interview with the "After Ellen" show (the episode will air in 2 weeks, we were told).

In all, it was a successful social media experience. A rockstar throws out the invitation for a meetup and John & I decided it was worth the adventure so we went.

I had her sign my prosthetic foot, so she's officially the first artist to take up the call to decorate my leg. She hardly batted an eye when I suggested that she sign my foot and everyone around us thought it an uber-cool idea. The picture didn't turn out so well, but that's what happens with spontaneity, I suppose.

:)

PS: Amanda hugged everyone afterwards as if she were our best friend. I was a bit surprised by the familiarity at first and then just enjoyed it. It must be quite a skill to be able to treat your fans as if each one was someone that you care deeply about. Undoubtedly that is her gift--when she sings it's as if it is just you and her, and that carries through in her post-performance affability.

UPDATE: John's pic of my foot is so much better than my feeble effort...

It's a rare thing to meet a kindred spirit, much less one whose body is so akin to my own and who knows the terrain of cancer even better than I.

Sara, when I think of you I remember our adventure-filled days together, your amazing baked goods, your love for all things cat (especially that wily Sam-kitty), your persistence at living by your conscience, your cozy book-filled home with its crazy slope-y wooden floors and our sharing a rich dark brew while gazing out over your garden. And of course, paddling together down the Concord river last fall when the leaves were turning and the sun was so bright that it made my eyes water...just as they are now, upon learning of your death.

You were beautiful and good and real. Thank you for sharing your self with me.

Picture of Sara and me on the banks of Walden Pond, Fall 2007

the gauntlet

Quality Time., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

Taking oral exams in grad school is really a terrible experience. Even if you pass, it's absolutely emotionally draining and it's nearly impossible to do as well as you'd hoped..

Our friend M took her Quals recently (and passed, of course!!) and then came over to our place that evening to decompress. The picture above shows her curled up with a purry Bobette-kitty, letting the anxiety of the day drain away.

Isn't it great how cats and friends and cozy purple couch can make it all better?

kid magic

Hansel and Gretel invite a flash mob to the witch's house., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

S brought a gingerbread house to our party and let all of the kids line up and dig in--eating the house piece by piece (the pic above shows the kids queued up here to take turns). By the end of the party, it looked like this.

[Note: pics by John]

tweet tweet

I just signed up for a twitter account (you can see my tweets in the sidebar of this blog or on facebook). I'm still not so sure about this, given that I don't want to be too tied to technology. So it's an experiment...

Do you twitter? If so, how does it impact your life?