Wishing that I was in the garden today instead of sitting on the couch, watching the 'rosy' infection spreading on my leg, nauseous from the many drugs I am now taking...
A sweet friend sent this poem to me, so I share it with you...
i am a little church (no great cathedral)
far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities
-i do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
i am not sorry when sun and rain make april
my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying) children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness
around me surges a miracle of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope, and i wake to a perfect patience of mountains
i am a little church (far from the frantic
world with its rapture and anguish) at peace with nature
-i do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
i am not sorry when silence becomes singing
winter by spring, i lift my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness)
~e.e.cummings
4/29/2008
wishing
4/27/2008
gonna get bettah...
4/25/2008
off center
I don't want to tell this story, really, but I will anyways.
On Wednesday afternoon I felt a strange burning on my left calf--in the area where my wound was from 10 days ago. Later that night after being on my feet for a few hours at some meetings, as I got undressed I realized that my lower leg was raw and swollen. I passed the night feverish and in increasing pain. By Thursday morning I realized that I needed to see a doctor, and soon.
It's hard having just one leg, to have something go awry like this. Ambulation became nearly impossible, I couldn't drive, I was getting increasingly scared about the hot red swelling spreading up my leg.
Long story short: I am on some antibiotics and I haven't left the couch since returning home from the doctor. We are watching carefully for signs of further problems but so far all seems okay.
This incident has caused me to consider many things: the problems of antibiotic resistance, my vulnerability to infection, and my dependence on John & the kids. I find myself continuingly grateful for a spouse who keeps a job that he dislikes so I can have good health insurance.
But the overriding emotion for me, in all this, has been fear. I am scared of pain, of being bedridden, and of having my body be out of my control. Even as I write this there's a big knot in my stomach. Because I remember another time when my leg was red and swollen and I started spending most of my days on the couch. Since then I don't think there's ever been a day that I have not felt afraid that it could happen again. To me. Or to one that I love.
4/22/2008
happy hippie earth day to you
"Very early, I knew that the only object in life was to grow."
~Margaret Fuller
If you went this morning to your favorite chi-chi Newport Beach nursery today to pick up a few plants for your garden and felt overwhelmed and grateful for the abundance (even as you smiled a bit inwardly at the perfectly coiffed ladies who didn't look as though they dirtied their nails in their gardens very often), then went to your garden in the evening for planting, surprised that the scent of citrus blossoms was still in the air from your neighbor's tree, then getting down on all fours to work the soil in the bed that will host the strawberries, then the peppers, then the eggplants, then planting your newest type of lavender and a shaggy bush of chamomile (it smells of afternoon tea already).
And if this is you, you were a bit overwhelmed by how much work still has yet to be done to get your garden all set for summer, but you realized that you don't begrudge any of the time that it will take.
4/21/2008
BOOKS!
Will you be at the LA Times' Festival of Books this weekend? If so, drop me a line in the comments and we'll see if we can arrange a meetup!
:)
4/20/2008
which part is mine?
Today as I sat in silence, an old song was running through my mind. It's a ballad by LDS songwriter Michael McLean and each verse portrays a stage of a women's life and has her perplexed by her role in her various relationships--with friends, spouse, children and spiritual journey. The refrain asks "Which part is mine and which part is yours?"
I thought about this song as I pondered my various relationships. I wondered, for example, about my children's growing autonomy. At what point do I intervene and help them to solve their problems and when do I let them learn their own lessons? How much do I hover? When it is better to let them strike out on their own? How can I affirm my love without stifling them or breaking their will? And are there moments when I am too aloof, too absorbed in my own projects?
I thought about it in terms of my relationship with John. I considered the significant investment I have in him and how difficult it is for me when, like this last week, he is out of town. And I wonder what the best balance is between absorbing myself in him and pursuing my own goals & desires? I considered those moments when my being self-focused weakens our relationship. Yet I also think that, in many ways, I can only be a good partner when I have a strong self to offer. Which part is mine and which part is his, indeed?
This line of thought also has resonance with my involvement in the larger community of Friends. For the past two years I've mostly been a recipient--indulging in the efforts of others' planning, sharing, and ministry. This has been a necessary time to nourish my wounded soul. Accepting the care of others has allowed me space and time for healing. I wonder, though, if it isn't my turn to serve? As I sat in Meeting today and acknowledged each person in the circle I realized that I have much to give. I am no longer the girl in corner who is constantly on the verge of tears, who has no voice to speak in Meeting. Perhaps ironically, this brings to mind some words from my patriarchal blessing, an admonishment to "move with confidence because there are many who look to you as an example and who will receive encouragement from you through your example." I am starting to feel that it is "my part" to become more active in the Meeting community. Perhaps it is time to return some of what I have received.
4/19/2008
4/17/2008
4/16/2008
you know it's thrilling...
You know I love my peaches...so I am just thrilled by the blossoms covering my tree this season! :)
What is thrilling you right now?
Measure your health by your sympathy with morning and spring. If there is no response in you to the awakening of nature --if the prospect of an early morning walk does not banish sleep, if the warble of the first bluebird does not thrill you --know that the morning and spring of your life are past.
~Henry David Thoreau
4/15/2008
chillin'
I love the way this little cherub watches over the climbing rose in my garden (see the buds in the background? This rose is so covered with buds right now that there are hardly any leaves!).
Yesterday I overdid things a bit (can you say 'waiting in line at the post office...on April 14th of all days!) and my leg was awfully swollen and red last night. So much so that I could hardly move.
Today, however, I've just been chillin' on the couch or in my big comfy chair. I've run two brief and absolutely necessary errands, but the rest of this day will be spent with feet propped up on plump pillows.
I can already see that it's making a difference--my wound is healing far more quickly now...
:)
4/14/2008
lesson learned
Because if you're in the garden, working alone, and you happen to get a long piece of rusty metal embedded in your leg (the organic one, not the fake one), well you might have a bit less of a total freakout if you've had the shot.
And if you don't, you might just end up spending the afternoon sitting in a germy, all-vinyl doctor's office instead of being home with your leg propped up on comfy couch pillows, cold drink at your side.
Sigh. Lesson learned.
4/13/2008
reverence
Reverence the highest, have patience with the lowest. Let this day's performance of the meanest duty be thy religion. Are the stars too distant? Pick up the pebble that lies at thy feet, and from it learn the all.
~Margaret Fuller
[Note: this iris is one of the beauties blooming in my garden right now. I love the two-toned purples. Nearly everyone who passes by comments on how spectacular these flowers look.]
4/12/2008
overheard
"What kitty doesn't like bacon?"
As John and GameBoy hand-feed nibbles of bacon to TobyJoy.
you know where I'll be
It's supposed to be 92 degrees both Saturday and Sunday. I'll bet you can guess where I'll be: me and this laydbug'll be chewing on some stalks of fennel and hanging out in the garden.
Feel free to drop on by. :)
4/09/2008
letters
I have always been a letter writer. I love the feel of a fresh piece of stationery, and watching my words fill a card or a page. I fell in love with my spouse through the letters we exchanged during the years he was in Japan--long before the days of email.
During my college years I wrote letters every Sunday. Letters to John, letters to my parents and extended family, letters to friends both close and farflung. I kept a thick folder of quotations and poetry that could easily be inserted in letters. When appropriate I enclosed pressed ferns or flowers. I decorated my stationery with pictures in the margins and with stickers. I often sealed them closed with an impression from a favorite rubber stamp.
My Mom recently came across the letters that I wrote to my grandmother--covering a span of two decades. Mom had never known that I'd written so frequently and at such length. I remember thinking, at the time, that my grandma would be delighted to get my missives in the mail and it seemed an important duty to write to her often. And she regularly replied, though more than once she expressed her surprise at how much I liked to write letters. I wonder, now, if I was one of the few who wrote to her during those years. Perhaps it was those many years of letters that led to our closeness when I eventually moved my young family near her home. She came over regularly and offered much help and advice with the children. Though our interests didn't overlap much, it was a joy to have her participate in our lives and I'd forgotten how important that was to me at the time.
Grandma loved roses and she let me pick from her many rosebushes as much as I wanted to. After visiting her I would craft huge bouquets that brought me much joy during the years that I didn't have my own garden. I suspect that much of my affection for flowers comes from grandma and her husband, who was also an avid gardener.
Grandma is still alive, but suffers now from advanced Alzheimer's and resides in an assisted living facility. She doesn't remember any of her family members--even her own children. But I have heard that she still enjoys receiving cards and letters.
4/08/2008
celebration
Today is GameBoy's birthday. He's been an never-ending stream of joy since the day he arrived. :)
This past year he's grown more confident, more self-assured. His favorite subject is science and he can discuss nearly any scientific topic at length. He loves games, good food, and helping others. He is a library aide, a Science Olympian, a bike rider, a trash taker-outer, a cat caretaker, a reader of SciAm, and a darn good bear-hugger.
As he chooses classes for next year and looks forward to college (and beyond), he makes this Mom proud. GameBoy is trustworthy, diligent, and mirthful. He makes wise choices. He is thoughtful of others. He is joy.
4/07/2008
4/03/2008
breathe vs. achieve
What can we do but keep on breathing in and out,
modest and willing, and in our places? ~Mary Oliver
Last night in our Study Group, a friend gave an awesome lesson about world religions and what we can glean from various faith traditions to augment our own spiritual paths. She read a passage about the difference between 'western' traditions versus 'eastern' traditions, specifically noting that western traditions emphasize progression whereas the eastern foster satisfaction with the here and now--"being" in the moment.
I've been thinking about that a lot today. I often work so hard to achieve things, yet I crave just sitting in solitude or the time to lose myself in a flower or to lie across my bed with a purring cat beside me. I have so many lofty goals--books to write, places to travel, classes to teach, and so on. But I feel a tension between the ambition it will take to accomplish these goals...and the desire to sit in solitude.
I think for now I am choosing the latter. And tomorrow I will take up the pursuit again. But today, I may just breathe awhile.
The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
a treat
I just remembered that John bought me a mochi confection yesterday from the Asian market, and it's waiting in the fridge for me right now.
I am a lucky girl.
4/02/2008
a(nother) project
Over and over again during this project I had moments where I realized that I was stretching my knowledge. Thinking to myself, "Wow, never done that before" or "Wow, I didn't think I could do that." Though the site isn't the splashiest, flashiest thing, it represents many successes for me and that's exciting, indeed.
And you can just guess (hint, hint) that now that I'm done with The Exponent, I'll be implementing some of my new tricks here at pilgrimsteps.com pretty soon! :)
4/01/2008
the facts of life...
Gerda couldn’t believe that cancer was cheating her of her hard-earned retirement. “My whole life was nothing but work, work, work,” she told me. She had worked on the assembly line in a soap factory, and had brought up her children single-handedly. “Does it really have to happen now? Can’t death wait?” she sobbed.
And the subtext of this photo essay? Cancer
