that v-word

blue flower, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

The last few months have been really kick-ass cool and productive for me. I've made lots of progress on my dissertation research, I've spent some super high-quality time with friends, I've approached many adventures with a new-found sense of confidence. And most of all, I have been healthy!

So it's rather odd to me that when I returned home this afternoon I felt a bit off...as if there is a small fissure in the bright aura that surrounds me. As I sat here trying to pinpoint that feeling, I think it's the return of vulnerability. Since I've been healing from my surgery and getting stronger I've thought I could take on the world (and I have, in so many ways). But now I'm coming down a bit off that "high" and as real life resumes, it's as if I am starting to feel things more deeply again. By nature I am a contemplative person, and I feel the sorrows of the world almost too potently sometimes. And in this moment, as vulnerability settles in on my shoulder, I'm realizing that for months I've been in the mode of doing "what has to be done" and maybe now I'm ready for a some gentleness. To allow myself to cry and to need. And to realize that I don't always have to be so strong.


Elissa Minor Rust said...

Amen to this. I've been feeling the same way of late.

Tess said...

Sometimes, you have to allow yourself to be tired and to take the cape off. While mine is rolled up in the bottom drawer of the bureau, I'll have a good cry, eat what I probably shouldn't and read something written by a strong woman. This too shall pass sister.

angela said...

jana... i like to think that in allowing our vulnerability, and in realising that we don't always have to be so strong, we actually have more strength in ourselves.

and maybe it's this vulnerability in us, that reminds us that we have a passion within us. passion and compassion.