6/10/2008

struggling

For the past few days I've been struggling....
--to balance home demands with personal needs/goals
--to get my garden under control
--to not be dismayed by a horrible allergic reaction to some antibiotics that's left me looking sort of like I have the chicken pox
--to keep up the pace with my research
--to affirm my loved ones
--to get caught up
--to remember what it is I am supposed to be doing
--to fulfill obligations to friends and community

So I started off today with a beautiful moment of meditation. I sat with a candle (a wee orange candle from a lovely shop that I happened upon in Denver). I felt so good during and after the meditation, so ready to take on the day, so sure of myself, etc.

So I got up and proceeded to clean the kitchen--I knew that cleaning would clear my head and give me a fresh start. As I was washing dishes I slipped--in some water that had splashed on the floor-- and as I reached out to the counter to keep myself from falling, the side of my hand hit the silverware holder in the dish drainer and one of my forks stabbed deeply into the side of my hand. And it started bleeding pretty badly.

For someone who not-so-long-ago got a puncture wound on her leg in a similar manner (and who is still working with various doctors to solve the ongoing mystery of that particular infection), I was just plain scared and so deflated. I grabbed a towel to put some pressure on it to stop the bleeding and just curled up in the couch and felt so so tired of it all.

I don't even know why I'm blogging this. My life is so good in so many ways--tonite, for example, I watched GameBoy be showered with numerous awards from his teachers and applauded loudly as he played his cello along with the school orchestra. Yesterday I baked the first blackberry crumble of the season and I can rightfully say that it is the tastiest crop yet! There are so many other wonderful and good things happening for me right now.

So why am I struggling?

8 comments:

angryyoungwoman said...

I love to read your blog because you are so positive and sweet (and you always have such beautiful pictures). I'm sorry things are hard for you right now. All I can offer for advice is to be patient and the answers will come.

catbonny said...

Man, you have been having several hard weeks in a row, huh?

I know that when I am going through rough patches I try to take time in the morning to meditate and to recount all the wonderful blessings in my life. And somehow the rough stuff always seems to creep its way back in by the end of the day. It's hard to not let the bad stuff overshadow the good, especially when you feel as exhausted by it as you do right now.

It will be okay though. You have such a wonderful family and friend group (and kitties) to be there for you during rough times- I am sure the sun will come out sooner than later for you. The blackberries are definitely a good sign.

sarah k. said...

Oh, that sucks. For me, getting hurt is worse that other people dumping on me, just because I can't go around being mad at anyone, or feeling morally superior. I just have to wait it out.

Your morning meditation does sound great though. I might have to follow your example. I could sure use some groundedness.

Aerin said...

Wow - it just sounds to me like you have a lot on your plate currently. Some days/weeks are just rougher than others. Take all the time you need.

I like making a priority list of things I absolutely need to do, and other things that can slide. When I get overwhelmed, I realize more things need to slide off the list. Especially when you are worried about your health - if it's meant to be it will get done. For the record, for me, gardening often slips down this list.

Rich said...

Wishing and praying good things come your way today!

John (with an h) said...

You're totally in my thoughts.

Kathy Q said...

You're in my thoughts too, and have been for months now though I have not been too attentive about communicating that. Sometimes stating the obvious comes across as diminishing the obvious, and that is not my point. You are struggling because you have dealt with one knock after another after another. You usually have it so together I am always stunned by your having such a terrific family, marriage, political engagement, community connections, and academic achievement, all at one. And at the moment you're trying to keep those balls up in the air amidst a lot of shaking that's not something you can stop or control. So of course you are feeling off balance. In fact, I think you are handling it all remarkably well, with emotional honesty and presence that includes a lot of hope as well as darkness. I find that deciding that I don't need to keep up the whole juggling act helps in these situations. Some of the problems are beyond my control anyway (like our own recent medical dramas), and then I do also have some choices about which balls to put down for a while, maybe to be picked up later. And it might be helpful to know that any number of times in the last few months I've asked myself, why does this very dear and patient and thoughtful person, my friend Jana, keep having to deal with people who should be fired, frankly, for their insensitivity and incompetence (the nurse in the hospital who said "I hope you don't lose that" and the TSA employees come to mind)? It's rare for me to feel with such certainty that someone has been totally out of line, but that feeling has come through with force on your behalf several times lately. So I don't know if you're feeling anger as well as grief about what you've been dealing with, but I know I sure am Good luck, and stay in touch.

jana said...

Kathy:
You are so kind to be thinking of me when you've been facing your own challenges lately!

I am definitely very angry right now, but at the same time I realize that anger gets me nowhere so I just get sad and feel powerless. Sigh.

FWIW, I think the funk of the past week is lifting, if only because I am healthy enough to walk right now and that is very mood-brightening! Having said that, I am still not healed, so every step still has a sort of tentativity to it. I am hoping for a weekend of much healing and I am keeping my fingers crossed for the appt I have on Monday with a new doctor.

I also intend to attend Meeting on Sunday and I am quite excited for the chance to be among Friends again!

:)