pilgrim classic: the real me

Originally appeared on April 18, 2007:

No pretty flower picture today. Because it's come to my attention (thanks to my Outhouse friends) that my online persona doesn't really match up with "me." For all of you who only know me online and might have this rosy-colored view of Jana, well this is for you:

-I like fart jokes. I make at least one potty-humor comment at dinner each evening.
-My house is a mess. When I cleaned out the fridge last week I found a ton of stuff that had expired in December of last year.
-I like to swear & cuss, especially around John. I'm downright sailor-ish at times.
-I can touch my tongue to my nose and I will perform this "skill" for just about anyone, just about anytime.
-I can be pretty mean. I have strong opinions about most topics and I use big words in an attempt to demean those that I'm arguing with.
-I frequently snort when I laugh.
-When I run into my old boyfriends I often, rather heartlessly, ignore them.
-Sometimes I use my disability as an excuse when I am perfectly capable of doing things. It's just my way of getting out of things that I don't want to do.
-During the middle of the day while the kids are at school and John's at work I frequently do my schoolwork sitting in bed in my underwear. Ignoring the door or the phone. Come to think of it, I rarely answer the phone anytime of day. And I'm horrible about returning messages.
-I don't like it when people interrupt me when I'm on email.
-I run red lights when no one else is around.
-I bike in 'no biking' areas of campus.
-I have a double-chin, but I don't post photos that show it.
-I enjoy the attention that my 'different' body brings. I can walk down the street showing my bionic leg and know that nearly every eye is on me. There's a headiness to getting so much attention.
-In yoga class I'm rather proud that I'm better at many of the poses than the 'able-bodied' participants.
-Sometimes when John is working on something that's important to him I distract him with sex.
-I kiss my cats more than my husband.
-I manipulate people (especially men) by smiling at them and saying what I think they want to hear.
-If you go out to lunch with me, I will probably dominate the conversation.
-I am frequently uncomfortable with the way other people smell.
-My garden is a big mess of weeds right now. Taking flower pictures is my way of avoiding the ugly needs-work spaces.
-I usually drive my kids to school while I'm still wearing my pajamas.
-I buy things online because I don't want to be hassled with having to go to a brick & mortar store.
-Sometimes I assign my kids to do the chores that I don't want to do myself.
-I almost never have any money in my wallet because I don't want the hassle of going to an ATM or getting cash back at the store.
-I throw away loose change that I find around the house rather than having to put it in a receptacle and roll it for deposit at the bank.
-Sometimes I use schoolwork as an excuse when I want to evade a previous commitment.
-I wrap my leg around John's legs at night even though I know he doesn't like it much. And I don't let him reciprocate.
-I'm not always careful about separating other family members' laundry by color and fabric although I get really annoyed if they aren't careful with my clothes.
-If I buy a container of fresh pineapple, I usually eat it all myself even though CatGirl really likes it, too.
-Sometimes I'm too lazy to turn off the bathroom light before I go to bed even though I know it makes it hard for John to sleep.
-I'm not nice in the mornings.
-I play games to win.