Picture: cherub statue sitting on a wooden bench in a garden. A spray of dark red roses cascading over the top of the statue.
I believe it was CatGirl who rescued this little statue from a trash heap somewhere around the garden. It's a pretty forlorn looking cherub--both wings are broken off and it's cracked and dinged in various places. But it still manages to keep watch over the climbing roses and the various flowers sprouting in the center of the garden. From my favorite seat in the garden (on the flagstones by the rosebushes), I have a good view of the angel's perch. Looking over that way never fails to cheer me.
Today in Meeting someone's sharing led me to contemplate Fear. For the past few years, I have let go of much of my fear-motivated behavior. I no longer worry much about what lies ahead in my future. I also don't make choices based on fears of divine reprimand. Though I am still afraid of death, I am no longer afraid of any kind of reckoning or judgment in conjunction with my death.
Instead, I am only afraid that this day will pass I won't have taken the time to enjoy the beauty of it.
So I will eat my lunch (some garden greens and broccoli) and head for the garden. I have weeds to pull and beans to plant. And I crave time to just be there...feeling the way the wind blows my hair across my shoulders.
4/29/2007
angel
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7 comments:
"For the past few years, I have let go of much of my fear-motivated behavior."
Jana, do you have any posts about this process? I'm very interested in reading more about how you learned to let go, if specific events helped to wash away certain fears... basically whatever you want to share!
Tea:
I do want to write some more about my spiritual journey, and losing Fear is a huge part of it. Right now I'm in a rather contemplative period and I haven't been on my computer much at all for the past couple of weeks. I suspect that I will hunker down and start writing more substantive posts again soon. But I'm also allowing myself the freedom to just enjoy not writing & analyzing all the time, so I don't want to put too much pressure on myself. :)
In the meantime, I'm curious: what are you most afraid of? What role does Fear play in your life? How does Fear play into your experience with the Divine?
Maybe he's not forlorn. Maybe his wings aren't broken. Maybe he gave them up. I think he looks pretty content on his perch amidst the roses.
(And all this makes me think of that brilliant Wim Wenders movie Wings of Desire.)
Tea:
Here's a lovely poem by Sara about the effects of fear that you might enjoy.
It made me think today about the things I do because I have a scarcity mentality. Because I fear that I will not have enough for myself. Because I fear what loss(es) tomorrow might bring.
Sara:
I think you are right that he is happy where he is. I think I just might willingly abandon my wings if it meant that I could always be in my garden. :)
I haven't seen Wings of Desire. Headed over to netflicks right now...
That's a great poem, Jana, thanks for pointing me to it.
Even though you mentioned the divine in that same paragraph, I didn't think that it was connected so much with your spiritual journey. I do look forward to reading more about it.
Those are some good pondering questions. I'll have to formulate words for the latter two but I can say the thing I fear most is failure. A lifelong thing, sadly, which is part of why I like learning about what others do to overcome.
Rather than trying to come up with the perfect answers to your questions, Jana, I decided to just go with what I have so far. (I hope it comes out with a smidgen of clarity)
I don't fear God as an entity as much as I fear failing God along with everyone else important to me. So God and I can reciprocate love, but that doesn't change my failure rate or fear thereof.
When I was 6 a friend of my Dad's from college gave me an IQ test. I made an error in a block pattern sequence, put my head down on the table and refused to continue. He eventually convinced me that I should finish by appealing to my fear of failing my Dad.
Fear plays a bigger part in my life than I realize most of the time. Recognizing what fear-motivated behavior is and letting go of it is something I'd very much like to pursue.
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