the real me...

No pretty flower picture today. Because it's come to my attention (thanks to my Outhouse friends) that my online persona doesn't really match up with "me." For all of you who only know me online and might have this rosy-colored view of Jana, well this is for you:

-I like fart jokes. I make at least one potty-humor comment at dinner each evening.
-My house is a mess. When I cleaned out the fridge last week I found a ton of stuff that had expired in December of last year.
-I like to swear & cuss, especially around John. I'm downright sailor-ish at times.
-I can touch my tongue to my nose and I will perform this "skill" for just about anyone, just about anytime.
-I can be pretty mean. I have strong opinions about most topics and I use big words in an attempt to demean those that I'm arguing with.
-I frequently snort when I laugh.
-When I run into my old boyfriends I often, rather heartlessly, ignore them.
-Sometimes I use my disability as an excuse when I am perfectly capable of doing things. It's just my way of getting out of things that I don't want to do.
-During the middle of the day while the kids are at school and John's at work I frequently do my schoolwork sitting in bed in my underwear. Ignoring the door or the phone. Come to think of it, I rarely answer the phone anytime of day. And I'm horrible about returning messages.
-I don't like it when people interrupt me when I'm on email.
-I run red lights when no one else is around.
-I bike in 'no biking' areas of campus.
-I have a double-chin, but I don't post photos that show it.
-I enjoy the attention that my 'different' body brings. I can walk down the street showing my bionic leg and know that nearly every eye is on me. There's a headiness to getting so much attention.
-In yoga class I'm rather proud that I'm better at many of the poses than the 'able-bodied' participants.
-Sometimes when John is working on something that's important to him I distract him with sex.
-I kiss my cats more than my husband.
-I manipulate people (especially men) by smiling at them and saying what I think they want to hear.
-If you go out to lunch with me, I will probably dominate the conversation.
-I am frequently uncomfortable with the way other people smell.
-My garden is a big mess of weeds right now. Taking flower pictures is my way of avoiding the ugly needs-work spaces.
-I usually drive my kids to school while I'm still wearing my pajamas.
-I buy things online because I don't want to be hassled with having to go to a brick & mortar store.
-Sometimes I assign my kids to do the chores that I don't want to do myself.
-I almost never have any money in my wallet because I don't want the hassle of going to an ATM or getting cash back at the store.
-I throw away loose change that I find around the house rather than having to put it in a receptacle and roll it for deposit at the bank.
-Sometimes I use schoolwork as an excuse when I want to evade a previous commitment.
-I wrap my leg around John's legs at night even though I know he doesn't like it much. And I don't let him reciprocate.
-I'm not always careful about separating other family members' laundry by color and fabric although I get really annoyed if they aren't careful with my clothes.
-If I buy a container of fresh pineapple, I usually eat it all myself even though CatGirl really likes it, too.
-Sometimes I'm too lazy to turn off the bathroom light before I go to bed even though I know it makes it hard for John to sleep.
-I'm not nice in the mornings.
-I play games to win.


JohnR said...

- You do not have a double chin.
- I kiss the cats almost as often as you do. We'll have to work on this kissing frequency thing. :*
- Yep, I'm the laundry nazi in the Remy home.

gs said...

=I can touch my tongue to my nose=

I can do this, too, and so can my brother and sister. Our mother could, too, so I guess there's a genetic component. Can your children do it?

I've never met anyone outside my family who can do this before, so I was interested to read that you can.

Anonymous said...

Must the pendulum always swing to one extreme or the other?

how 'bout just keeping it real all the time?

Brooke said...

I love this post. It makes me want to write my own. I also loved being privy to the conversation that inspired it.

p.s. I've always loved your laugh.

Caroline said...

I agree. You don't have a double chin. And like Brooke, I think your laugh is great.

Nothing else is too much of a surprise to me :) except maybe the fart jokes.

jana said...

I guess I always feel like I'm being real (meaning that I don't lie on my blog), but what happens is that the things I generally write about aren't the things that you'd experience if you know me well. Example: nearly every post I write about flowers has the word 'lovely' in it. I don't think I use that word in conversation, ever really. Another example: I have a penchant for lowbrow humor, but I don't write about that on the blog, either.

Does that make sense?

jana said...

gs: I'm not sure if my siblings can do the tongue/nose thing. Maybe my lil' sis? I'll have to ask around at the next family reunion.

For whatever genetic reason I have a really long tongue. I don't recall either of my parents having long tongues, but maybe they did/do and I just never thought to ask them about it. I can actually stick my tongue in my nose (not just to my nose), but I don't demonstrate that for anyone except my kids. :)

Anonymous said...

They're not weeds. They're native plants.

(That's what I tell myself as I plant around them.)

John White said...

> If you go out to lunch with me, I will probably dominate the conversation.

If I'm feeling generous, maybe. An even then, only by smiling and ... saying things I want to hear...


Anonymous said...

Hey! No wonder we have to do so many chores!

I can touch my tongue to my nose too, but I don't know if I can stick it IN my nose...

alisonwonderland said...

i love this post! and i can relate to many of the items on your list - though certainly not all. i think i might do a similar post sometime ...

i do think i've always felt like your blog was "real". none of the things on this list really surprised me given the jana i already "knew". this just rounds out the picture a little more.

Queen of the Non sequitur said...

I LOVE this post. It's hard to be raw all the time, I applaud you for putting it out there. I use the word lovely in my posts too but never in real life. Hmmmm.

SoCalSingleMama said...

Read this post on my google reader earlier and loved it, and obviously every one else did too!

Bad idea to post about the chores you give your kids, when your kids read your blog. Catgirl, I would definitely try and use your mom's admission to get out of chores! :-)

Jana, Ryan can touch his nose with his tongue, too, and I have one other friend who can as well. I'm fascinated by it, in fact, I have a page in my photo album devoted to both Ryan and the friend who has this talent as well. Sounds like it is time for a third photo ablum page - I'm bringing my camera if we see you this weekend!

I want to follow your lead and post a "raw me" thing this weekend, too. Fun. :-)

P.S. Ryan is quite timid about his tongue-to-nose talent, so try and coax it out of him next time you see him.

jana said...

yah admitting to the chores thing was a HUGE mistake. Catgirl caught that one right away.

All: Ok, my next self-portrait will certainly have a tongue in it. mwahahaha!

JohnW: not to worry, I never tell you what I think you want to hear (in be-yud)

Sara: love the native plant idea. It gives a whole new paradigm to my garden space!!

gs said...

=Catgirl said... I can touch my tongue to my nose too=

Hah! We're onto something! Now all we need is, like, a secret handshake!

=journeygal said... Ryan is quite timid about his tongue-to-nose talent=

Aw! Tell him it's a great conversation picker-upper (if worked in at the right moment). It can especially impress the ladies. Also, I use it when I'm standing in line at the cashier in the supermarket and there's a small child in the shopping cart ahead of me. You know: The kid's sitting there in the cart facing backwards looking at me and the parents are distracted and doing something else. I'll stretch out my tongue and touch my nose, and the child never fails to be delighted. He or she will stick out his or her tongue and try to do the same thing. We have a great time.

Anonymous said...

I don't think the pretty flower pictures are misleading others in the concept of *you*. I acknowledge that I don't have the benefit of knowing you personally to make the comparison, but I don't see anything on this list that somehow contradicts what you are/present online.

Couldn't I still have a favorable and positive view of you after reading this list?

Anonymous said...

"-I throw away loose change that I find around the house rather than having to put it in a receptacle and roll it for deposit at the bank."

No! You don't need to roll, darling. You can dump it into those change-counting machines -- such fun!

Years ago, we "borrowed" a empty Poland Spring water jug from work. All loose change and bills get dropped there. The last time we emptied it, we collected over $1000. Crazy. Four years later, the jug is 3/4 full again.

Gray said...

Very nice post. I'm glad to know those things about you and it makes me like you even more! Except for the bathroom light thing, which really grates against my crusty parsimonious New England upbringing.


jana said...

I know the light on habit isn't very conservation-minded. But I'm just a scaredy-cat and it's awfully hard to walk back to one's room in the dark while using crutches (my last awful fall involved putting one crutch accidentally into the cats' water dish and then proceeding to slide across the whole of the bathroom floor and into the edge of the tub. Ouch!)

Anonymous said...


I think you forgot to include how much you love "see food" at the dinner table too. (Especially if there is a camera around)

I think we can fit in tongue tricks at the next reunion, but please no potty humor at the dinner table.