another post about sex...

My friend Chris Bigelow and some of his buddies published an LDS humor column, "The Sugar Beet" (like The Onion for Mormons) for several years and have combined the best of their work into The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer.

I've reprinted a bit of one of their funnier articles here, some positions from the Mormon Kama Sutra:

Retention and Reactivation
The Stripling Warrior
Urim and Thummim
Hold to the Rod
The Secret Combination
Come, Thou Font of Every Blessing
Hie to Kolob
The Rameumptom

To this list I would add:
The Bishop's Daughter
The RM

So I've been trying to come up with some similarly funny positions using Quaker terminology and I haven't come up with much--perhaps I don't know the lingo well enough yet. Perhaps ya'll can chime in with some of your own ideas?


Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, my initial response to your blog should *totally* be a list of made-up Quaker sex positions. That's a great introduction. But the temptation was too great, and I couldn't resist the opportunity to heinously abuse some online Quaker glossaries. Here goes:

Hold In The Light

Facing Benches

Leadings of the Spirit

Inner Light

Programmed Meeting

Lay Down (too obvious)

That of God in All of Us

And, my personal favorite:

Proceed as Way Opens

jana said...

Wow, David, very impressive list for such a new Friend. :)

I especially giggled at Facing Benches. teehee!

John White said...

Oh man, why do I drink milk when I'm reading your blog and comments?!

jana said...

JohnWhite: I am really annoyed that you haven't added to this list (being the resident expert on Quaker terminology)...

Alb said...

Man, that's one of my very most favorite pieces we ever did too! I think we need a list from many faith traditions. I would love to see a Catholic and Jewish Kama Sutra too...

(This is Chris Bigelow, not Ann--I didn't realize I was logged on under my wife's ID.)

SoCalSingleMama said...

Mutual Activities

The Y

The Restoration

John White said...

Really? I'm the expert? Sad state of affairs here.

Moved by the Spirit

Expectant Waiting

Vocal Ministry

Faith and Practice

Come to Unity

Meeting for Business

Ok, ok. Back to homework.

Anonymous said...

Some more Mormon sex positions:

How Firm a Foundation

The Missionary position (of course)

The Triple Combination

The Quadruple Combination (must be very flexible to pull this off -- not recommended for beginners/newlyweds)

The Peepstone (for voyeurs)

The Greenie (kind of a Mrs. Robinson thing) (Note: "greenie" is Mormon slang for a new missionary)

The Mia Maid

The Isabel (role playing the world's oldest profession) (Note: Isabel was an infamous Book of Mormon harlot)

SoCalSingleMama said...

Matt - that was great. Even better than the originals, I think. I struggled to come up with my three....it appears you are very creative in this particular area! :-)

Bored in Vernal said...

Some more Mormon Kama Sutra, from Bruce R. McConkie's Mormon Doctrine:

Lawful Heirs According to the Flesh

Ministering Spirits

Moroni's Promise

Mountain of the Lord's House

One Eternal Round

Patriarchal Blessings

Pearly Gates

Primary Association

Raising the Dead

Relief Society

Stick of Joseph

jana said...

Omigosh! You are all so freakin' funny. I am alternately groaning and giggling and blushing at this irreverent list!

I've been thinking about the connections between sex & religious experience and it seems to me that there's some deep reason that the verbiage and metaphor have so much crossover.

What do you think? Do we all just have our minds in the gutter, or is there some larger similarity between religion and sex and the language we use to describe each of them?

Kaimi said...

Sheesh. And nobody has yet mentioned the laying on of hands . . . or the gift of tongues . . . or "Because I have been given much, I too must give" . . .

Well, I'm off to sing another verse or two of "Come, Come, Ye Saints."

Kaimi said...


A link between sex and religion? Nah - it couldn't be. Why, if there were a link, people would probably use language like "the passion" to describe them both.

Now tell me, would you like your triple combination bound in black leather, or not? :P

Chili Pepper said...

Matt T., I'm totally impressed with your contributions. I've been laughing now for a good minute! lol.

Anonymous said...

Does the Mormon Kama Sutra recommend being endowed?

John White said...

*slaps head*

More Quaker jargon:

The Rise of Meeting