Catgirl goes to Washington

the way she sees the world, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Our teenage daughter is headed to D.C. in a few weeks to join in an FCNL delegation to lobby Congress for specific measures related to peace, the environment, immigration, etc. Catgirl is so excited about this opportunity and so are we!

This will be a big adventure for her and she's already committed to blogging daily about all that she experiences. And you can bet that I'll be linking to her posts and adding my $.02, too!

Members of our local Quaker Meeting are supporting her efforts and she's also looking for anyone who might have an extra transferable JetBlue award to aid with her travel expenses. If you'd like to be part of her support team, please contact me (remyjATuciDOTedu).

Catgirl has asked for this trip for her birthday--isn't that wonderful?* I can't help but think back to when I was her age and marked my birthday that year by having my first chemo treatment (ugh!). So I'm super-especially delighted to help her celebrate this year in such a memorable manner! What an amazing gift she is to me, to our family, and to our community.

Pic above taken on our trip to the Capitol last winter, with the Jefferson monument in the background.

*By way of full disclosure...the birthday girl also asked for a pair of Cons in addition to the trip--she is, after all, a teenager! :)

a good hair day

Midday yesterday a neighbor dropped by for a neighborly chat (more specifically, she brought her pathology textbook so I could ogle the osteosarcoma x-ray images). I apologized for how I was dressed when I came to the door, explaining that my beachy clothes were rather soggy because I'd just gotten home from paddling with a teammate. Then John poked his head around the corner, he also damp and shirtless. He'd just stepped out of the shower. We joked a bit about the silliness of us both being home mid-day in a state of deshabille...

The truth is that we met for lunch so I could cut his hair--so he could look just a bit less mangy-Neil-Gaiman and a bit more GQ. I'm not the world's best hairstylist, but I've been cutting John's locks since we were first dating. There's little else that I love more than plunging my fingers deep into his dark curls (and for those who've ever heard the story of how we first met, you know that that lovely head of hair was what first caught my eye).

So last night when I was at the Regina Spektor concert, I was so glad that she played Samson in her encore set...because it's long been a song that reminded me of John--there's something so powerful about his lovely hair, if only because it's just one of those many things that make my heart melt whenever he steps into view.

PS: I'm glad he passed the hair genes on to at least one our kids. Methinks the world needs more good hair like his.

so blue

San Gabriel mission, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

It's one of those days when what I really need is a big dose of blue. With a dash of purple and green, too. :)

on photos and synchronicity

This picture was just sent to me via Facebook by a cousin (she's standing in the center of the picture). I'm on the right wearing my favorite-at-the-time bright yellow Esprit shirt. I'll bet that I'm wearing it with my also-favorite bright green cropped pants. Judging from the length of my hair, this was the spring of my freshman year. Dad is on the left. He didn't smile very often, or at least he usually only smiled with his eyes, so this is a special photograph, indeed. It was probably taken on one of my trips back to Denver to have medical check-ups to confirm my cancer remission. Perhaps Dad's smile is reflective of his joy that all went well at the hospital.

Not to change the subject too dramatically (and you'll see where I'm going here in a minute)...but have I ever mentioned that I have the world's best postman? Not only is he always smiling and seems to just love his job, but he does so many little things to make sure that we get our mail. When I've been ill, he's even brought it to the door rather than leaving it at our box. He makes sure that everything delivered to our old place across the street makes it to our current home. And today, when I walked up to the door and saw a note on my door that I missed a package I was super-bummed. It's an important package that I've been waiting for for weeks--and I didn't want to wait another day. So you can only imagine how much I wanted to hug this man when I saw his truck pull up in front of our door and heard him calling out my name. He explained that he'd seen me drive around the corner as he was going the other way and came back because he knew that I'd want my package. If I'd had any money in my pocket, he would have received a very generous tip right then. But he's the kind of person who doesn't do that kind of thing for a tip and that's what makes him so very cool.

So the package...
It's a slim manila envelope bearing the return address of the Denver Children's Hospital. These are the pathology photographs that I requested weeks ago, but had to jump through many hurdles to procure. I unseal the envelope and pull out a small stack of color photos tucked into the three-fold crease of a xeroxed pathology report. The first photo is of my right leg. My eyes focus in the center of the image, on the biopsy incision on the side of my knee. And I realize that I'd forgotten about that, only remembering the smooth pink scar that ran down the front of my kneecap from a fall in second grade. The biopsy wound was just a few weeks old when my leg was amputated, which is surely why I forgot. And a memory surfaces of the icy walkway that led to the front door of my junior high school, and how I was terribly afraid of falling as I navigated it on crutches, my prosthetic leg more of a liability than an asset in the Denver winter.

But it's 90 degrees here today, the Santa Ana winds having finally hit Southern California. I'll bet that there are fires already burning somewhere. And my throat has been dry all day, so dry that it was difficult to carry on a conversation with my daughter after school. The weather widget on my web browser tells me that tomorrow it'll be cooler--in the 60s, even. It's hard to believe that, right now.

Mary Monday: on beauty and god

this crab has leopard spots, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

On Friday I shared a favorite poem, "Pied Beauty", with friends. It was the first time I'd read it aloud since college and I'd forgotten the spell of Hopkins' words:

Pied Beauty

GLORY be to God for dappled things—
For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;
For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced—fold, fallow, and plough;
And all trades, their gear and tackle and trim.

All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;
He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:
Praise him.

As I traveled this weekend to speak at a conference and spend time with friends (such beautiful souls), I stayed up far too late and awoke early each morning. Despite that, I was rarely exhausted--as I was absorbing the energy of everyone around me, infected with the excitement of hearing their stories. I suspect that my travel-mania and joy in having new adventures is as potent as any drug...

Revisiting my Mary Oliver this morning, the prose poem "West Wind" resonated with me. This weekend I listened to tales of many spiritual journeys. Tales of joy, abandonment, fear, ambivalence, faith and struggle. Some were hard for me to hear as they hit so close to home. Others reminded me that my journey is unique among many paths. And thus, Mary's words about the pull of an embodied god feel so true this morning...

And the speck of my heart, in my shed of flesh
and bone, began to sing out, the way the sun
would sing if the sun could sing, if light had a
mouth and a tongue, if the sky had a throat, if
god wasn't just an idea but shoulders and a spine,
gathered from everywhere, even the most distant
planets, blazing up. Where am I? Even the rough
words come to me now, quick as thistles. Who
made your tyrant's body, your thirst, your delving,
your gladness? Oh tiger, bone-breaker
oh tree on fire! Get away from me. Come closer.

Picture above is the shell of a crab from a ramble on the beach in Cape Cod. I loved how every detail of this shell was so artful--how the closer I got, the more there was to see. And now that I'm home, the pull of the ocean is so strong I can hardly sit in my chair to write...

in the city of the saints...this weekend!

I'll be speaking at this conference in Salt Lake City on Saturday and would love to see lots of my readers there. We'll certainly all go out to dinner together afterwards, too, so keep your calendar open. :)

Please don't be shy about coming up and introducing yourself--I love meeting folks from the pilgrimsteps community!

I shall wear purple (in my hair)

I can wear flowers in my hair every day!, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

This year I celebrated the 25th anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. With that, I held a spectacular fundraiser to provide prosthetic limbs for a Chinese girl who was my same age when she lost her legs. Such an exciting event!

Recently an IMUA teammate was diagnosed with cancer and shaved her head in preparation for chemo. Oh how well I remember the trauma of losing my hair! It came out in big handfuls over the span of about two weeks, until it became so thin that I started wearing a wig. In solidarity with our teammate, many IMUAns added a streak of pink to their hair or shaved their head, too. I'm not much into the pink activism that surrounds breast cancer, so I opted out of the pink streaks and instead added a bit of purple (with Sharine's help--thanks!!).

Adding some purple to my hair is not something that I'd normally do--I'm a plain Jane sort of gal. But so far it's been super-fun to have that bit of color showing through. I love that every time I look in the mirror I have an affirmation of life beyond cancer. And that feels very good, indeed.

Another of my friends is doing a fundraiser for a cancer charity in honor of her mother's recent diagnosis. She's shaving her head soon and I'm so excited for her (and also for the neat hats that she's knit to go along with this adventure).

I'd love to hear about the ways that you've supported your family members and friends with their cancer diagnoses and other ailments. Tell me all about it!

Mary Monday: The Poet With His Face in His Hands

a park, in winter, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

I've decided to start a new blog feature, "Mary Monday," where I will feature an excerpt of a Mary Oliver poem with an accompanying photograph. I will probably branch out beyond Mary occasionally, but for right now I'm so thrilled by her poetry I think I could spend quite a long while focusing on just her oeuvre.

excerpt below from "The Poet With His Face in His Hands"

You want to cry aloud...
But to tell the truth the world
doesn't need any more of that sound.

So if you're going to do it and can't
stop yourself, if your pretty mouth can't
hold it in, at least go by yourself across

the forty fields and the forty dark inclines
of rocks and water to the place where
the falls are flinging out their white sheets...

and you can stand there, under it, and roar all you
want and nothing will be disturbed.

uprising

This song came on the radio the other night as I was driving home from a particularly difficult meeting. Ever since then I've noticed that it's popped up on my radio or playlist just at the moments that I've most needed it. I especially love the chorus:

They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
We will be victorious

This song is a bit more militant than much of the music I tend to enjoy, but the drums kick and I do love me some drums. Full lyrics are below...(Note: the video is a bit odd. I suggest you close your eyes as you listen and just let the energy of the song wash over you...)

Uprising by Muse

Paranoia is in bloom,
The PR transmissions will resume,
They'll try to push drugs that keep us all dumbed down,
And hope that we will never see the truth around
(So come on)
Another promise, another scene,
Another packaged lie to keep us trapped in greed,
And all the green belts wrapped around our minds,
And endless red tape to keep the truth confined
(So come on)

They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
We will be victorious
(So come on)

Interchanging mind control,
Come let the revolution take it's toll,
If you could flick a switch and open your third eye,
You'd see that
We should never be afraid to die
(So come on)

Rise up and take the power back,
It's time the fat cats had a heart attack,
You know that their time's coming to an end,
We have to unify and watch our flag ascend

They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
We will be victorious

mornings and magic

Rainbow and fog, originally uploaded by Tor Håkon.

I went out canoeing this morning for the first time time in too long. There was a thick marine fog layer all around Newport so paddling out of the harbor was a bit surreal and even somewhat scary. I went out on a 2-man canoe with a teammate and we were joined along the way with team members in one-man outrigger canoes.

The two of us had never been out on the open ocean in such a small boat before. Especially given the somewhat choppy water and the lack of visibility (we were guessing that it ranged from 20-40 yards depending on how the mist was shifting around), we were wary of heading out past the harbor. Our concerns ranged from whether large boats could see us, to whether we could find our way back to the harbor once we were out on the ocean. But the foghorn on the end of the jetty was blaring loudly and the OC Sheriffs' boat was nearby looking out for those who might need aid. So we went for it.

We aimed for the bell buoy that sits about 1/4 mi out from the jetty (following its clanging sound and the bellowing of the sea lions that recline around its base) and kept paddling until we could see it emerging from the mist. Then after turning around and realizing that the shore was gone, we paddled back by watching where larger boats were emerging through the fog. When we were about halfway there we sighted the arc of a full rainbow off to our left hand side, noting that the end of the rainbow was sitting right in the harbor mouth. We followed it in and made it back safely. I don't think I've ever had more fun chasing a rainbow!

All in all, we paddled about 8-9 miles. It was such a great feeling to pull in to shore having worked so hard out there! What made it even a bit better was getting an award (a gorgeous handcrafted ceramic tile) for being an "inspirational" novice paddler this past season. Sometimes the thrill of finding a sport that I love so much still seems too much to be true. And every time I get out on the water I realize how fortunate I am to be a part of this sport & the IMUA family. Everyone has been incredibly patient with me as I've been learning and growing stronger this past year! It's a bit like following that rainbow back into the harbor--I just know there's more magic that lies ahead if I just stay on course and keep paddling. :)

to any fellow being...

San Gabriel mission, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.
~William Penn

As I'm unpacking my suitcase and remembering so many details of my latest journey, I'm once again humbled by all of the amazing people whose kindness helped me along the way. On a smaller scale, I'm 'crowdsurfing' like Amanda Palmer--allowing myself to be supported by the generosity of the people (especially strangers) around me. A few memories:

--the waiter in a chain restaurant where I stopped briefly to get warm on a long-ish walk in the snow. He was out of tea and admitted that their coffee was terrible. He brought me several cups of hot water (without charge) so I could use my own "emergency teabag".

--finding super-friendly staff & overstuffed chairs for reading and relaxation at The Tattered Cover and Under the Umbrella cafe.

--the hospital archive making an exception for me to spend time deep in the bowels of the basement (in the 'restricted section') poring over records. And the woman who was overseeing me, keeping me supplied with jasmine tea and a kind word. And the random hospital worker who helped me find my way back in the maze of hallways and locked doors after I stepped out to find a restroom.

--Meeting up with friends and colleagues at the WHA conference: sharing tasty cafe food (and not-so-tasty hotel food--ugh!), dips in the hot tub, and late-night pub conversation.

--My uncle's yum breakfasts: toast with homemade jam, banana pancakes, over-easy eggs.

--Meghan's delicious vegetarian dinner meal, including pumpkin pie for dessert (my very very favorite!). Meeting her kids, her spouse, and her crazy kitty was awesome, too, as was listening to Brandon's inaugural concert at Metro State.

--a SuperShuttle driver who gave me extra-detailed directions for navigating the remodeled Denver airport (oh, and not to mention the hotel concierge who ran out into a rush-hour-trafficky street to wave down said shuttle).

--two friendly young nursing students at Caribou Coffee who insisted that I didn't look old enough to be getting a PhD (oh, if they only knew...)

--all of you on twitter and Facebook who "liked" my posts, who sent me notes of encouragement and whose support made me feel braver and stronger than I truly am.

--the remarkable synchronicity of meeting Sara at the Walnut Room, along with Jolie Holland and her partner Gray. Lounging in the green room before the show, Sara treating us all to a "take your chances massage" (oh, how did she know exactly what my poor shoulders needed?) and feeding me her amazing homemade Thai soup. Then, Jolie listening to my plans for rooting around in the archives as she prepped for her gig. My favorite of Jolie's lyrics: "I'll dance at your funeral, if you dance at mine..."

--you great Denverites who smiled back at me.

--the flight attendant who, after seeing how sore and exhausted I was last night, bumped me up to Business class and gave me an entire row to stretch out and sleep on my flight back home.

--And, to make all of this possible, a thanks to the International Center for Writing and Translation for financially supporting my work this year. And huge kudos to my beloved John, GameBoy & CatGirl who are unflagging in their encouragement...and who nourish my pilgrim spirit better than anyone else ever can.

backrubs!!!!

when I weighed 85lbs, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

This was just one page of the 1200 or so medical records that I viewed over the last few days while in the archives at the Denver Children's Hospital, where my osteosarcoma was treated 25 years ago.

This record cracked me up when I recognized my own handwriting on two of the line items (the rest of the form was penned by my very-favorite nurse Penny). As I was considering why and when I'd written on the intake form, I had a vague flashback memory of sitting on the hospital bed next to Penny, joking together as we filled out the form. I think she had to leave the room for a minute to attend to another patient and I wrote in those answers myself, the "no hospital food" and "LOTS OF BACK RUBS!!!!!!"

After viewing so many pages of records that were about me but where my presence was only indirect, it was such a pleasure to see my own handwriting. It also made me remember the little ways that I took control of my experience in the hospital.

Oh, and one more thing about Penny: she'd been a massage therapist before she was a nurse. And she did give the very best backrubs and headrubs (one good thing about being bald was that there was no hair to interfere with a vigorous head massage)...

walking, in winter

a park, in winter, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Yesterday was the first day since I've been in Denver that it was warm enough for a long stroll outside. So I found a park and went a-wandering with camera in hand. It felt so good to be in connection with the natural world again. After a few days indoors I'm so hungry to walk with plants and rocks and trees.

Soon, I will be blogging about all I've learned and experienced during this trip. But right now I'm still trying to make sense of it, to continue living in the moment of new & unfamiliar spaces. Sometimes it takes so much work to be open that it's hard to even put chronology and perspective on all the happenings of each day. The intensity eclipses the meaning of each individual moment. For now. Until I have the time to sift through my memories and write.

follow...

My travels have kept me so busy this past week, I've rarely had time to sit down and write a blogpost. However, I'm tweeting regularly from the road, so feel free to follow me to keep up on my latest adventures.

Today, for example, will undoubtedly be my most interesting archival/research experience ever...so you'll want to stay tuned! :)

the view

Picture above is the sun setting over the Rocky Mountains, as seen from the 38th floor of a Denver hotel.

Part of my "trip reading" during the Western History Association Conference is The Best American Essays 2009. I realized that I just had to buy it when I saw that Mary Oliver was this year's editor.

A favorite quote from her Introduction that applies to blogwriting as well as more traditional forms of the essay:

We speak a good deal these days of the loss of community, and many of us feel that we have lost therefore something very precious. Essays can move us back into this not-quite-lost realm. Tackling a hundred subjects, in a hundred different styles, they are like letters from a stranger that you cannot bear to throw away. They haunt you; they strengthen you.

Perhaps I've been so busy contemplating the world of the 'not-quite lost' that I've had my head in the clouds for most of this last week. Somewhat literally, of course, as I've been staying in high-rise hotels for the duration of the conference, but also in that twice I've found myself lost and wandering around Denver city streets. How I can still get lost even with the aid of googlemaps is beyond me. But maybe there are only so many weighty thoughts that can occupy my brain at any given time....

how many tattered fragments...

Cape Cod, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

"The soul is a process, not a thing: therefore you cannot put it in a box (or a book) and close the lid. It will crawl out and keep changing...I keep trying to recapture myself at different periods of my life and it is impossible because even as I write, I change. Both the passage of time and the process of writing change me. And though I try to skewer bits of reality with the point of my pen, inevitably memory fails me, words fail me, and the picture is fragmentary and false. Worse still, this falsehood will be seen by the reader as the literal truth and only I will realize how many discrepancies and holes and sins of omission I have committed, how many tattered fragments masquerade as the tapestry entire."
~Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life

I simply go on drifting...

Cape Cod hydrangea in the morning, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

An excerpt from Mary Oliver's "What is There Beyond Knowing"

What I know
I could put into a pack

as if it were bread and cheese, and carry it
on one shoulder,

important and honorable, but so small!
While everything else continues, unexplained

and unexplainable. How wonderful it is
to follow a thought quietly

to its logical end.
I have done this a few times.

But mostly I just stand in the dark field,
in the middle of the world, breathing

in and out. Life so far doesn't have any other name
but breath and light, wind and rain.

If there's a temple, I haven't found it yet.
I simply go on drifting, in the heaven of the grass and the weeds.

stepping stones...

Cape Cod, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

About a year ago I applied for membership in my local Quaker Meeting. Joining a Quaker Meeting is not like joining a religion like Mormonism--there's not a proscribed set of rituals involved in the process and it's largely a local matter.

My reasons for joining were numerous, but they boiled down to something very simple...it just felt right. Every time I considered the choice, I felt full of joy and light. I tried to talk myself out of it several times. There was no compelling reason for me to join--there was no barrier to my participating fully in the community as an 'attender' rather than as a member. But I also wanted to be true to the leading that I'd felt to join, especially when doing so produced such a strong feeling of satisfaction.

To join I wrote a simple letter to the clerk of our Meeting, explaining to her why I felt compelled to seek membership. Some important points in that letter included my desire to take on the identity of a Quaker, my family's support in my doing so, and my acknowledgement that this choice might not sit well with my Mormon leaders. I expressed a desire to maintain a dual religious identity, knowing that both traditions are deeply important to me. Then the clerk, along with the Ministry & Oversight Committee, put together a group of women to serve on my membership committee. I met with them and discussed my feelings about seeking membership. It was a delightful experience and I felt such deep peace with this decision.

As a public acknowledgment of my decision, the Orange County Friends held a 'Welcoming Meeting' for me yesterday, which was an outdoor inter-generational potluck of Friends & friends. The Meeting presented me with a copy of Mothers of Feminism: The Story of Quaker Women in America, which I can't wait to read (and what a great match for my interest in American feminism!)! Frankly, I was rather embarrassed to be the center of attention at this event, but also felt such happiness at celebrating this occasion with so many people that cared for me and my spiritual journey.

Officially becoming a Quaker changes very little about who I am, but it is one more important stepping stone on the path of my pilgrim-life. More than I can express with words, I appreciate all of you who are supporting me--either virtually or in "real-life"--as I make my way on this journey.

John took some great pics of my party.

pilgrim classic: flying mountain

Originally published on 10/23/2007:

IMG_4499, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Tonite I watched an interview of housewife-turned-Buddhist-nun Pema Chodron with some friends. Chodron spoke about many common Buddhist concepts, with her own unique spin on the issues of pain and suffering and the goal to be 'fully awake.'

For me, the most provocative quotation from the program was this one:

"We are all capable of becoming fundamentalists because we get addicted to other people's wrongness."

She spoke at length about how this addiction, or 'getting hooked' as she calls it, sets off a chain reaction of suffering. By removing ourselves from the addictive cycle we can have more peace and compassion.

I love that idea. I am certainly guilty of being addicted to other people's wrongness just as I am guilty of being addicted to my own rightness. I recognize that this is a very rigid way to live, but it is so human...sigh.

What I really want...to see the divine in each person I meet and not to feel anger and self-righteousness when someone believes differently than I do. So I will keep trying....

Note: the picture above is of some Buddhist carvings on the "Flying Mountain" at the Lingyin Temple in Hangzhou, China. The day I visited the temple nearly two years ago it was rainy and cold, the ground so slippery underfoot that it was difficult to walk around the temple and monastery. Yet there were still dozens of worshipers lighting huge bundles of incense outside of the temple and saying their prayers. I was impressed by the devotion of the adherents. That day I also felt very homesick for my family back in the states. At the foot of the Buddha I said prayers for their continued safety and felt great comfort.

today

Cape Cod rose in the morning with dew, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

When I was a young girl I had a diary that said, on the front cover:
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life..."

And today, I am truly feeling that way.

skeptical

Mr. Deity has done it again...(FYI for those new to Mr. Deity: "Lucy" is Lucifer)

a penny for you

collander by morning light, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

If you cultivate a healthy poverty and simplicity, so that finding a penny will literally make your day, then, since the world is in fact planted in pennies, you have with your poverty bought a lifetime of days.
~Annie Dillard, "Seeing," Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

This still-life image is one I snapped in Brooke's lovely home. The morning light made every angle of her kitchen beautiful.

Previous posts about simplicity.