I heart Sundays

My garden, in the morning, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

A day full of family, catching up on things, and enjoying the last hurrah of summer (with some sizzling SoCal temperatures).

How was your day?

friday!

Elegant Jana., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

Letting my hair down just a bit today...

Sometimes it's hard for me to be constantly in front of John's lens (my own personal paparazzi). But sometimes I enjoy being his model, as in this candid pic that he snapped a few days ago...

finally

My garden, in the morning, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

With temps reading 100-105 degrees, it seems like the weather is all everyone can talk about. But I'm not complaining about the heat. It seems that finally summer is here, and my garden is loving it.

The cats are all sprawled around on furniture and floors in the path of the hallway fan, lazing away the warm-ish afternoon.

on cancer, canoes and connectedness

About a year ago, when I was on an adventure in Boston, I met up with my friend Sara. Or rather, she met up with me--waiting eagerly at the train station at 6am-ish as I arrived not-so-freshly from a cross-country red-eye flight.

We spent a magical day together, filled with good strong coffee & bundt cake, napping on the couch with the rascally Sam-kitty, visiting Author's Ridge, and then the very best part: we spontaneously decided to go canoeing down the Concord River. Let me just say why this was kind of an odd idea. Me, I'd been seriously ill for the previous six months and had just had surgery three weeks earlier. Sara had also had a rough year herself(!), including surgery for a brain tumor and metastasized cancer in various places around her body. Oh, and we both happened to be missing our right legs, too (that damn cancer, taking both of our legs many years ago). But we did it anyways. It was a gorgeous autumn day on the river, straight out of a postcard. We paddled for an hour out and about as long back in. We talked and she joked about my awful steering (ha! the irony!). I hadn't been canoeing in years and it meant so much to me to be out on the water with Sara, in that very special place.

Fast forward a few months...when I learned that Sara had died. Within hours of hearing the news, I was out on the water paddling with my outrigger canoe team. I wanted to tell my new teammates about how sad and empty I was feeling, but I knew I couldn't hold it together to even speak the words. I just paddled and felt my gut wrench with every stroke. At one point we paused in the mouth to the harbor and I looked out over the waves and the rolling sea and connected with Sara one last time and said good-bye.

There's something special about the space between the open sea and the calmer channel waters. The boat floats differently there, as if it's eager to get out on the ocean. The anticipation picks up, along with the current and the cresting waves on the rocks. While there I find myself gazing out to the ocean, feeling its pulse and sensing my place in all of it.

I don't pray anymore and I don't believe in divine intervention in my life. But if there was a place where wishes could come true, where I could believe for a moment that I really was connected to something cosmically bigger than myself and my hopes could be made manifest, it would be right there in the harbor mouth. And that's how I felt again tonite, too.

Speak

heliotrope, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

There must be a way
to retain the nobility of trees
and the surefootedness of rocks

If we could sing always from here, canyon:
From here where the gold makes up to the green for staying,
Perhaps we could say what we must

[...]
Tell them of the gold in the leaves
and the leaving that summons
the compounding of everything shaped or shaping.

Sing of the consummate gift of being used.

Go with sureness of wondering
and the keenness of being in touch.

Take on the buoyance of birds
Take root in the crevices of the world.

Hold to the rocks. Speak of reverence for being
And be in favor of trees

~excerpts from "Speak of Reverence for Being" by Emma Lou Thayne

quilt of many colors

grandma's quilt of many colors, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

My Mom's latest creation, held together by safety pins because it still needs quilting.

The colors of this piece render me rather speechless. It's such a perfect cacophony, all on its own.

serenity

serenity, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

I'd intended for today to be a day of peace and serenity. I got up fairly early and had the first few hours of the morning to myself. Lovely.

But things didn't go so smoothly from there on out. I went to Quaker Meeting, but had some things on my mind that made it difficult to relax into the silence. I felt disconnected and had a sense of urgency about some pressing matters that made me second-guess my being there. As soon as Meeting closed, I got a call from John that his bike had broken down about 40 miles into his "century" (100 mile) trek and he needed my aid.

Of course the freeway between him and me was moving at 6-10 miles per hour. Sigh. Eventually finding John was joy, even if I wasn't a happy camper along the way there.

Some days don't go as we planned, do they?

I got home from the bike shop and had a bit of nap, puttered around in the garden, and was just plain lazy for a few hours.

I still haven't regained that sense of serenity that I'd started the day with and hoped to carry with me all day long, but I suspect that it will return again tomorrow morning. And we'll see what happens from there...

Oceanside

Oceanside race, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Sorry to burden you all with another paddling post, but....

Today's race was in many ways my hardest one yet. I've been ill and struggling to keep in shape, I've been leery of the demands of the later summer races (where the course lengths jump from 6 miles to 16 or 26 or 36 miles), and I haven't had much experience with 9-man steering. The steering is different because every 20 minutes or so, we switch out 2-3 paddlers to freshen up on a support boat. So I've got to maneuver to pick up paddlers bobbing along in the open ocean, all the while being mindful of calling the right moment to have the outgoing paddlers jump out of the boat, keep us all aright in the waves, and keep the boat away from all those dozens of other boats following the same course (oh, and this is even harder when the waves are so big that I can't see much of anything, much less my teammates in the water ahead!).

But it's not all me, doing all this work. It's a team effort, and that was made incredibly clear to me today as I watched each and every person in our crew keep it together. From Captain Ron on our support boat who helped me sight the turn buoys that were miles away, to the change coach Mike who made sure that everyone was rotating in and out of the boat correctly, to each paddler who gave 100% on every stroke.

This race was challenging not only because of the added difficulties of the paddler changes, but also because of the huge storm headed straight to Oceanside. There were currents flowing in two different directions, causing huge swells (reportedly around 8 feet). We watched boat after boat tip over or swamp with water. And we just kept going. My team listened well and worked together beautifully. Due to safety concerns the race was cut short, and while I have to say that it was a bit of a relief to finally pull into the harbor after many miles of fighting such extreme conditions, I kept thinking "that was it???" :)

There were two moments out there when I had our boat a bit off course and my team helped me figure out which way to point again. I'm regretting those sidetracks now, and hoping that next race I can do an even better job of keeping us headed straight into the turns and finish line. Every race I learn new things and conquer new challenges. I love it.

Pictured here with me is Aimee, another awesome steers(wo)man. Like the other gals on the team, she makes me feel like an amazon because I look so tall standing next to them!

blossom

on the back porch, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

This bee had the most intense rendezvous with one of my squash blossoms. He stayed at the flower for more than five minutes, never seeming to get enough of its pollen-y goodness. He didn't even mind when I brought the camera in for a close-up--he was far too involved to notice.

I have to say that I love seeing critters who look like they're having so much fun. Can't you just imagine that he was loving being covered from antenna to toe in yellow?

My garden, in the morning

My garden, in the morning, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Lavender's blue, dilly dilly, lavender's green,
When I am king, dilly, dilly, you shall be queen.
Who told you so, dilly, dilly, who told you so?
'Twas my own heart, dilly, dilly, that told me so.

Call up your men, dilly, dilly, set them to work
Some with a rake, dilly, dilly, some with a fork.
Some to make hay, dilly, dilly, some to thresh corn.
While you and I, dilly, dilly, keep ourselves warm.

Lavender's green, dilly, dilly, Lavender's blue,
If you love me, dilly, dilly, I will love you.
Let the birds sing, dilly, dilly, And the lambs play;
We shall be safe, dilly, dilly, out of harm's way.

I love to dance, dilly, dilly, I love to sing;
When I am queen, dilly, dilly, You'll be my king.
Who told me so, dilly, dilly, Who told me so?
I told myself, dilly, dilly, I told me so.

repose

lotus, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

The mossy greens in this scene from the Chinese Garden at the Huntington Library are so relaxing and inspiring. The Huntington is not only a place for repose, but also supports my dissertation research. As a Fellow, last Fall I spent nearly every day working in the 'inner sanctum' of the Library.

The Collections at the Huntington aren't accessible to John or to my children. Someday I hope I can point out my favorite study carrel in the old reading room, or show them some of the manuscripts that I've enjoyed (such as a few volumes of Emma N's journals and other treasures). It's hard not to be able to share that with them.

But I am glad that we can stroll the gardens together, anytime.

with her friends

girls at the beach, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

CatGirl doesn't let me take her picture very often anymore. Like a typical teen, she'll put her hands over her face or turn away when I point my lens in her direction (although she always seems willing to pose for John!)...
So I was so thrilled when a friend's Mom recently took some pictures of CG & her friends at Crystal Cove. I love the way she captured the girls' innate beauty and curiosity...

window

rose in the windowsill (in a wee blue vase), originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

My kitchen windowsill is so cheery--this rose is such a bright neon red-orange that it almost hurts my eyes (the colors in the pic don't do justice to its brilliance).

I love having beauty gracing my view of the outside world.

This quotation sums up how I am feeling today..

“Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend... when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that's present: love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure, the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth.”
~Sarah Ban Breathnach

PS: I'm currently planning some travel to Boston, Cape Cod and New Haven. If you're in that area and would like to meetup, or if you have a recommendation for a must-see place or tearoom, let me know! :)

from the air

Albuquerque, by air, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

I rarely take pics while flying, simply because it's mostly clouds out there anyways. But how different the trip to and from Albuquerque was--hardly a cloud in the sky all the way. I loved the textures and colors of the desert, even as I marveled at the strength of the people who live in such an arid environment.

I might...

mon cheri, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

I might have to stop keeping a bouquet of roses on the table in my living room. Because everytime I walk past this one, I melt into it.

why I am missing out on all the fun this year

The Sunstone Symposium is an event that I look forward to every year. It's a chance to re-connect with old friends and to make new ones. I chat, discuss, explore, debate, and generally find myself completely intellectually stimulated. Last year, for example, I practically moved mountains to be there--flying across the West just days after my surgery to make a 3-hour appearance. I was in horrible pain, but it was so worth it. I needed to be buoyed by the love of my brothers and sisters after all that I'd been through.

This year, however, I've long planned to attend and when it came down to finalizing my plans I realized that it just wasn't going to work out--for so many reasons. A few of them:

--My lingering cough (going on week #4) now is only slowly abating. The dry desert air of Albuquerque exacerbated it so much that I had difficulty even giving my paper last weekend. I am not at all excited about traveling across and to another desert climate so soon again. I fear it would prolong my healing by weeks.

--The damn economy: John's hefty paycut, my canceled summer school class, and the still-looming fear of John's position being nixed altogether as UCI implements its huge budget cuts. Also, the reality that my department no longer has any funding for me and no one's hiring History professors. We had friends (bless you!) willing to help with our travel costs/accommodations, but the crux of the matter is that the cost of being away for the weekend was too high for us, right now.*

--We need some family time. When we go to Sunstone the kids are either stuck hanging out at the back of conference sessions or they stay 90 miles away in Cache Valley with extended family. CatGirl and GameBoy are growing up so fast, we hate to keep using our vacation time for activities that aren't centered around them. We've been doing a few local 'stay-cation' type activities this summer and intend to continue this until school resumes, rather than taking a longer trip that will exclude them.

There are other reasons, too, having to do with my overall inability to balance everything in my life right now. I feel the need to simplify some of my commitments. I realize that just trying to be a PhD student and a parent/spouse takes nearly all of my time. Adding in teaching and exercise and gardening and housekeeping between the gaps and nearly every moment of every day is packed. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that sometimes I have to make choices and let things go. This is one of those times. I will miss my friends desperately this weekend and I am so so sorry to not be there in person to speak on my panel. However, my thoughts will be read by someone else & I'll also be posting my talk here on the blog. So anyone else who's had to make similarly tough choices about Sunstone, can participate vicariously here along with me.

*I should add: we are doing fine economically due to our typically-frugal ways--we're just erring on the side of caution right now, e.g. wanting our car to last a few more years, avoiding large purchases, etc. Vacations for a family of 4 are pretty expensive, even when you have friends to stay with, a vehicle to borrow, or folks sharing their food. :)

on swimming, by moonlight

Moon Hiding, originally uploaded by vajra.

During my recent trip to Albuquerque I took very few pictures. I think I needed to just experience the trip rather than document it visually. So here are a few verbal 'snapshots' of my travels to share with you:

--Desert rain as I arrived in town. The shuttle driver telling me that I should have brought an umbrella. The smell of the wet hot breeze wafting across adobe plazas.

--Swimming by moonlight in a courtyard pool (this very moon that vajra captured in her photo), after sweet-talking a security guard into letting me (& friends) stay past closing time. Then the tolling of bells ringing out over the city, marking the late hour.

--the characters of Albuquerque including the eccentric Ben Michael whose rustic restaurant and anti-corporate rants charmed me, the baker who admitted that he liked processed bread better than the flaky handmade pastries of his that I enjoyed, the waitress at Julia's who was so hospitable that I couldn't help but adore her quirky cafe (and oh, those watermelon napkins, the hot green chile sauce that liquified my sinuses and the honey & frybread that reminded me so much of mom's sopapillas that I was a child again), and the random strangers, including the hardened-looking man smoking with his buddy who was so eager to give me directions thru Old Town.

--agave tea at the KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) cafe, that made my throat feel so much better

--my colleagues: who are brilliant and witty. I loved sitting around the table & hearing about their research and their dreams for the future. There's such comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in my passion for the past, and that there are others who share my quirkiness. I especially appreciated their tolerance for my complete lack of direction, so when I said "I think that cafe is somewhere over there," they were willing to follow (and gently nudge me in the correct direction along the way).

--the salty-looking shuttle driver as I left town, who had a PhD in Philosophy and who helped me remember that anyone might be so terrifically interesting and well-spoken that I need to be 'present' even at 5 am after a night of fitful sleep.

PS: pic above taken by Vajra, who I met up with (in person!) while in Albuquerque. What fun it was to get a text message saying "I'm wearing a large blue hat and sitting in the plaza on the west side of the San Felipe church." The wandering around that ensued as I asked locals "which way is west?," "Where is the church?," etc, was the best possible treasure hunt!

the girls!

CC novice girls, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Another picture of my awesome teammates, taken at our Corporate Challenge fundraiser on Sunday.

This was snapped just after I steered a boat that "huli'd" (or tipped over) in the Bay. Bet ya can't tell that I'm soaking wet! And I do have to say that it felt good to get cooled off in the water. :)

Also this is one of the few pics of our novice crew that includes our coach, Dora, who's standing in the center wearing a lei of blue orchids.