Special Election

For my California friends...Here are the recommendations for the May 19 Special Election from the Friends Committee on Legislation:

Proposition 1A: No. State Budget.
Proposition 1B: Neutral. Education Funding
Proposition 1C: No. Lottery Modernization.
Proposition 1D: No. Protects Children's Services.
Proposition 1E: No. Mental Health Services.
Proposition 1F: No. Elected Officials' Salaries.

To learn more about why they made these recommendations, click here.

mercy

Jana and CatBonny through the Window., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

Last night we got the rare change to hear hip-hop violinist Emily Wells playing in an OC venue (at Muldoon's in Fashion Island, following the NB Film Festival). Even as much as I ridicule living in Orange County, the opportunities that result from living so close to LA are unrivaled--from art galleries, to musicians, to the gorgeous beaches.

Though Emily's cover of B.I.G's "Juicy" is probably her most popular piece, my favorite of the evening was "Mercy":


Note: if you want, skip to about 1.5 mins in where she starts singing. Haunting, IMO...

rolling

Occasionally and when I think no one's looking, I'll take a roll down a hill. There's such a thrill in letting momentum take over. And then when I'm done, I just lie around for awhile, enjoying the way the world keeps on spinning even when I'm not.



What about you, what do you do when no one's looking?

PS: Any guesses as to what item is hanging out of my hoodie pocket in the bottom pic?? You can see a larger version here.

working with fear

IMG_3821, originally uploaded by mind on fire.

Much of my "work" over the past few years has been about facing fear, to consider how fear holds me back from taking risks or trying new things. When I start to do something scary and I feel that tightening in my chest I tend to ask myself "what's the worst thing that can happen here?" By facing that question head-on, I can typically proceed with said scary activity. Even though my tummy might continue to do somersaults, I can move forward anyways.

Right now some of my fears surround my own health and safety--or that of my loved ones. Living in SoCal with this swine flu frenzy so close by...but I know the likelihood of it harming anyone close to me is minimal. And we are healthy and precautious. I faced another fear head-on yesterday when we intentionally capsized our canoe so we could practice how to safely right it. It was cold (65--brrrr!) and I was super-scared. And because I'm the steersman, it was my job to tip the boat. Damn, that was hard. And I did without even knowing whether my 'beach leg' prosthesis would stay on and stay functional when I was fully submerged (even my prosthetist wasn't so sure that it was a good idea). But I did it anyways, and it went pretty smoothly, all told.

Another major fear that's looming in the distance is that this work I'm doing on my PhD will all be for naught when I attempt to find a job. The market for historians always sucks, and only sucks worse now because of the recession. I'm scared of being unemployable. But while that fear can motivate me to work harder and excel more now, I realize that worry about the future accomplishes nothing except for making me miserable now. There are far too many unknowns for me to concern myself with the 'what ifs' that are years away.

I wonder, sometimes, if religion helped to assuage my fears or if it exacerbated them? There were stretches of time when a lot of sucky things happened (worst-fears-coming-true types of things), when my religious conviction helped get me through them--as I saw each of these experiences as God's will and that He was tempering me to be a stronger person. But I also lived with a constant feeling of surveillance and worry that I was meeting God's expectations. My mind was constantly preoccupied with keeping the commandments because I didn't want to incur God's wrath or compromise my ability for exaltation in the hereafter. And in all, I think I am far less fearful now than before. Perhaps because I don't feel the need to constantly prove my devotion to a rather distant and arbitrary deity whose 'punishments' seemed so very harsh (like striking me down with cancer because I was 'on the wrong path' as a teen...sigh). But there are other fears that loom for me now, most of them coming from the fragility of my life and the randomness of the universe. Because I can't hold my children close enough to protect them from harm, in all its guises (note: though I did add HUGE bars of industrial-strength reflective striping to my kids bags when they began walking to school, so I'm all for the ounce of prevention approach!). Because the financial stability of our lives is only illusory. Because I can't guarantee that those I love will always return that emotion with similar fervor. Because each time I take a step I can't guarantee that I have a leg to support me,. Etc, etc.

And I also know that no matter how many hours and days and even years I spend worrying about these things...won't make a whit of difference in their outcome. But the worry and fear will rob me of the ability to enjoy this moment. This one. Right now.

Pic above (by John) is of Elly and Bobette--a rare image of the two of them hanging out together. Typically they like to keep their distance, given that they are the two dominant female felines 'round here. But on occasion we see them interact in a friendly way, or at least ignore each other for long enough to just hang out in proximity. A friend mentioned that they look like yin and yang here. I have to agree!

paddling

In case you've never seen an outrigger canoe on the open ocean, here's a peek (and can you tell why I love it???):

reflux

A brief request: I've been battling gastric reflux issues for months now and OTC meds and lifestyle changes don't seem to be working (I'm even cutting out my beloved afternoon tea...sigh). And the lack of quality sleep is starting to wear me down.

Can any of you who've dealt with this share your best ideas for feeling better? I'll be heading to the doc soon but I'd love to know if there's something I should try that I haven't yet, or just to hear from folks who've been successful in dealing with this problem.

It's such a little thing compared to other health issues that I've had, but I'm realizing that it's not getting better and might not stay such a little thing...For example, last night I had a horrible spell of coughing, asthma, burning throat--all while I was just too tired to hardly be able to deal with it. And now I'm just so so tired. Help!

Make me smile...

IMG_7866, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

It's been far too long since I posted one of these lists of happinesses, so here goes!!

--Making travel plans to finish up a section of my archival research. Love love love making reservations and dreaming about adventures-to-come.

--Speaking of travel, I'm experimenting with "crowd sourcing" ideas for romantic travel by posing questions via twitter. I'm thinking that John & I need to make some long-term plans for some big anniversaries that're in the not-so-distant-future.

--B-kitty does the deepest cat sighs when she's craving attention. It's absolutely charming and works nearly every time.

--In an effort to downscale some of my commitments, I'm letting go of my responsibilities as the moderator of FreecycleIrvine. I've done this job day in and out for nearly 5 years and while I absolutely _love_ Freecycle, I don't have the energy for it anymore. I'm feeling glad to hand this job on to someone else now. It's time.

--My thumb that got crunched at paddling practice on Monday is nearly back to normal (hardly purple at all--yay for arnica oil!)

--Today I had one of those days where every time I went to get something accomplished, an obstacle or distraction popped up in my way. I got a lot done still, but I have to say that I'm glad today is over and I'm looking forward to a new day tomorrow. One that's as bright as the daisy in the pic above (and doesn't the center of this flower just almost look like cupcake frosting? Lovely!)

--Tomorrow's Friday! Woot!

just the two of us

post-concert Japanese food--YUM!, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Being the highly social creatures that John and I are, we tend to do LOTS OF STUFF with friends. For example, when we drop by the pub we tend to do a shout-out to the local crowd, when there's a cultural event happening we invite along other artsy folks, when we travel we plan meetups with all of favorite farflung peeps, and when we have a free evening, there's always something to celebrate at chez Remy. (ok, and even our anniversary trip to Boston two years ago--we either stayed with or metup with friends nearly every bit of the way...)

Oy.

We've decided it's time to carve out some space for just the two of us and we're brainstorming what that might look like...another trip together, perhaps (both Boston and Toronto are enticing us)? A weekly John/Jana datenight? A regular lunchtime meetup?

How do you create space for you and your partner in the midst of a busy and friend-filled life?

For the beauty of the earth

garden, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

I'm not doing anything particularly special to celebrate Earth Day today, just my typical ongoing attempts to live lightly on this planet (eating local, composting, etc).

What about you? Any Earth Day plans?

This time of year

Last year and two years ago.

How time does fly.

seduced

A historian friend just placed piece of writing on the Huffington Post, discussing tomorrow's elections in South Africa. The immediacy with which she conceived the idea for the article and shopped it to HuffPo (all happening within a matter of days) shows just how seductive web publishing can be. If Laura were to write an academic piece about these elections, it would take months of research and carefully crafting her argument. And the likelihood of the average Joe encountering and/or reading it would be almost nil. Not to mention that it would no longer be timely or pertinent to tomorrow's election.

Sure, there's space for all genres of writing in this big wide world, but it's so thrilling to write with an immediate audience in mind--to know that your piece will gain circulation instantaenously. The process of writing traditional academic work--journal articles or monographs--is incredibly time-consuming and one gets the sense that they will only have a handful of readers.

Which is why I'm a webwriting addict, myself.

Openings

This week I'm attending some writing workshops with a visiting scholar/author. As part of that, I've imagined collecting many of my blogposts into a book, organizing them thematically and with extended essays introducing the various sections. I wrote the section below to tell the story of three separate visits to Denver--each about a decade apart. And although I'll be getting feedback in my workshop session, I thought I'd throw out this draft of the opening to my essay out to the internets and see if any of you can offer advice/critique. If you prefer to send feedback via email, you can contact me at phddillyATyahooDOTcom.

Caveat: I am constantly concerned, in telling the stories of my life, that I am messing things up. My memory is not the greatest. So please understand that any writing about my childhood or the past is done as accurately as possible, but I'm sure I get stuff wrong all the time, especially when discussing events from my younger years. My apologies to those who care.

PS Update: No time to fix wonky html-formatting below (must get to TJ's before class because we're out of milk and TP and other desperate things)--sorry and Gah!

============

A quiet suburban neighborhood and a house on the cul-de-sac. Of course it was utterly unremarkable. Had walking not been out of the question, I might have ambled across the lawn to see if that divot was still there. The one that caught my foot while I was sunbathing one May afternoon, when I fell and never walked on two legs again. Glancing around to confirm I was the only driver in the area, I pulled out my handheld camera to video the path I used to take to the schoolbus each morning. Of course the distance was far shorter than it had seemed then. But the wind, as it was nearly three decades ago, was still blowing, whipping my hair across my face and further blurring my vision of then and now.

My last return trip to Denver had been with a sense of triumph. My son was nearly three years old and I was newly pregnant with another child. This, after my doctors had told me I would never bear children--even if I did survive the aggressive chemotherapy treatments that followed my diagnosis with bone cancer at twelve years old. I’d returned to the hospital and to my old neighborhood feeling strong. “A survivor,” they said. So how was it that now, a decade later, I was alone in Denver? Again hospitalized with leg pain, and trying to not to ascribe the persistent déjà vu feeling to anything more that the very real difficulty I was having with driving, as I supposed that having minor surgery on my leg earlier in the day was surely as strong a contraindication to piloting a vehicle as were the warnings on the bottles of painkillers I’d picked up at the pharmacy afterwards.

I drove back to my motel, feeling an easy familiarity on streets that I’d known only as a young teen, my driving only slowing as I passed a strip mall with a pizza joint, wondering if I should stop for food, even stock up a bit not knowing how long I might be hunkered down in my hotel room. I decided against stopping. There were still a few yogurts left in the mini-fridge. And it would be easy enough to order a pizza by phone.

My family moved to Denver in 1983 when my Dad took a job with a computer software firm, a position that seemed more secure than his previous work in Oklahoma as a petroleum engineer. Building a custom home large enough for their family of five young children was the culmination of the American dream for my parents. It was an added bonus that Dad’s next-younger brother lived less than a mile away and that Denver was where my father served his proselyting mission for the Mormon church. My mother, if she were telling this story, would explain now that it was God who led us to move to Denver. That He wanted us to be near the West’s best cancer center and to the doctors who would save my life. I used to tell the story that way, too.

Now, I tell the story by motioning to my own 12 year-old daughter. “Can you imagine her…Look at those legs of hers,” I say. The conversation usually stalls a bit as my respondent says, “I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like for you.”

Those two perfect legs. She’s never had a sunburn. She’s a vegetarian and we eat organic. It hasn’t happened yet, but I expect any one of these days my daughter will have a hard time sleeping at night because of growing pains. And what will I tell her then? Will I tell her that that pain is just normal and it will go away soon? Just like my doctor told me?

It was late May when I was sunbathing on the front lawn. It was surely a futile enterprise in the weak afternoon light of a Denver spring day, but I had slathered legs and arms with baby oil anyways, spread myself out on a striped beachtowel with the cordless phone at my side because I was expecting a call from my best friend Cindy. Instead, when the phone rang the caller asked for my younger brother. And as I ran to the front door to find him, I tripped and fell on an uneven spot in the grass.

just beachy :)

Had gorgeous weather this weekend and wonderful friends to spend it with. :)

Behind the scenes

WAP: Behind the scenes., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

Always working on that 'perfect' flower picture (lucky for me that I'm tall and I have long arms...)

detail

The Ukrainian egg CatGirl painstakingly dyed., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

CatGirl has an eye for detail and loves working in miniature. She spent hours on Easter Eve crafting the detailed patterns of this Ukranian (Pysanky?) egg.

I feel awed to have such talent in our family.

signed by AFP

Amanda Palmer signs my foot at secret Los Angeles show, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Had a spontaneous meetup with rockstarAmanda Palmer this afternoon (at an intimate local venue after she twittered an invitation)...

The whole experience echoed my previous experience with Amanda, but this was far more relaxed and unscripted. We stood at her feet as she played and sang, we all sat around and chatted on some couches during and after her interview with the "After Ellen" show (the episode will air in 2 weeks, we were told).

In all, it was a successful social media experience. A rockstar throws out the invitation for a meetup and John & I decided it was worth the adventure so we went.

I had her sign my prosthetic foot, so she's officially the first artist to take up the call to decorate my leg. She hardly batted an eye when I suggested that she sign my foot and everyone around us thought it an uber-cool idea. The picture didn't turn out so well, but that's what happens with spontaneity, I suppose.

:)

PS: Amanda hugged everyone afterwards as if she were our best friend. I was a bit surprised by the familiarity at first and then just enjoyed it. It must be quite a skill to be able to treat your fans as if each one was someone that you care deeply about. Undoubtedly that is her gift--when she sings it's as if it is just you and her, and that carries through in her post-performance affability.

UPDATE: John's pic of my foot is so much better than my feeble effort...

spinning

A wise friend (yes, I'm talking about you Susan) once reminded me that when things get challenging, it's important to remember that such times result in greater personal growth. Life's lessons don't come without some difficulty and sacrifice.

Today I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by all that I have to do. I've got this nervous energy spinning in the pit of my belly telling me that I might not be able to keep all of the balls up in the air this time. I might drop a few. I might even fail.

PS: pic above is of my labyrinth skirt. I love wearing it because it reminds me that so much of life is liking walking the circle. Round and round. Trying to make sense of it all.

pilgrim classic: Wedding Quilt

Originally posted on The Exponent:

In my family, each of the women make quilts in preparation for their marriage. My mother’s quilt had a white background with intricate blue and green designs embroidered onto the quilt top. My older sister’s quilt was pieced—an Amish-like simple navy blue and white design.

I knew I would want something special for my quilt, something that reflected the symbolism of my wedding and also would be traditional and elegant. I became enchanted with ‘whole-cloth’ quilts--where the fabric is all one piece and the design comes from the quilt stitches. I found a design that I liked—a pattern taken from a 19th-century wedding quilt. With interlocking rings and vines, on all-white fabric. I loved the way the rings and circles in the pattern symbolized the eternal union that I desired. And I wanted it to be white, to remind me of the temple and of purity. Yet I knew that a quilt of such complexity would take a long time to create and I ran the risk of never finishing it! But I also knew it was the one. And I wouldn't be satisfied with anything else.

At the time I settled on this particular quilt pattern I wasn’t yet engaged. It was my sophomore year of college and my boyfriend of my freshman year was serving a mission. I was also dating two other RMs rather seriously. I figured that one of the three would be proposing soon enough and so I ought to get started on the quilt just in case. As a Christmas gift my Mom purchased all of the supplies for the quilt and she marked the design on the quilt top. We set up the quilt frame in the Dining Room and began quilting.

Now, for those of you who aren’t quilters, let me explain a few things:
1) Quilt stitches are small, often 4-5 stitches per inch. I was planning a king-size quilt with designs so close and complex that there were often multiple rows of stitches per each square inch of fabric (was I crazy???).

2) When you quilt, you have to send the needle through three layers: the top layer of fabric, the ‘batting’ or cotton stuffing in the middle, and the bottom layer of fabric. There’s only one way to know if you’re needle made it successfully through all three layers, and that is to use the tip of your finger to 'feel' the needle poke through underneath. This means that with each and every stitch, the tip of your finger is ever-so-slightly pricked by the point of your sharp needle. The upshot: after about 2 hours of quilting, the tips of each finger are full of so many holes that the skin resembles raw hamburger—and are often oozing little drops of blood.

At the time that we were making my wedding quilt, I attended a university about three hours from my parents’ home and I lived in the dorms. So I could only work on it when I traveled home on weekends. Which was, at most, twice per month. When I did come home, I would spend much of the weekend bent over the quilt frame. My mother also put in many hours stitching during the days that I wasn’t home. It took us eleven months to complete the quilting.

As I sat sewing I had much time for thinking. A lot of my thoughts were about my future. It was as I was sitting over that quilt that I read the letter from my missionary where he said that he intended to propose to me when he returned home from Japan. And as I thought about that for a long time, I decided that my future was with him, and the quilt would someday grace our bed.

Ironically, perhaps, even though we married five months after John returned to the States, we have never used this quilt. We have never slept under it. It seems far too precious and too fragile. Until very recently, I've never felt that I had a bed that was pretty enough for such a quilt. But even now that we have a nice bed, we use an inexpensive (and washable!) matlesse spread. Our wedding quilt is carefully folded in my grandma’s cedar chest that sits at the foot of our bed. Occasionally I take it out and look at it. But usually only when we are moving to a new home.

My older sister, on the other hand, put her wedding quilt on her bed for everyday use. My Mother also had her wedding quilt on her bed until it was stained by diaper changes and the messiness of raising five small children.

Today, to take these pictures I spread out the quilt on my bed in the morning light. As I did so, my kitties kept jumping up on the bed and frolicking. They wanted to lie in the sun on the quilt. I fretted a bit about the black and grey cat hair that I could see already accumulating in their favorite spots. Then I let myself stretch out over the quilt and I thought about the intention, love, and hard work that I had invested in this one simple piece of cloth. A few yards of fabric, some cotton stuffing, and thousands upon thousands of tiny stitches. Blood, sweat, and tears. Joy.

And I thought to myself: What am I waiting for? Why not use it tonight and tomorrow and from now on?

Reading is Sexy

Reading is Sexy, originally uploaded by mind on fire.

This is an older pic (taken last August), but I ran across it today when I was looking for something else. We staged it as a bit of a joke, but it brought a wave of fondness anyways when I looked at it and realized just how sexy this man is to me.

Life continues to be an adventure when I'm by John's side. And I expect to be continually surprised and delighted by whatever serendipities lie beyond the next bend in the road.

PS: Bonny, help me remember to return your book the next time you drop by! :)

time for a retreat

sunrise in yellow, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Headed to a mountain retreat to celebrate spring, just as our family did last year when I took these daffodil photos.

This year I'm looking forward to time with Friends, hours to spend playing games & giggling, tasty gourmet food (incl world-famous apple pie!), and the space for plenty of nature and silence.

And this time I'm leaving the computer at home, with no worries of work and email and facebook and twitter and deadlines and that long list of To-Do.

Happy Spring to you, too! :)
PS: All day I've been having flashbacks of this event, which happened almost exactly a year ago...

Birthday!

GameBoy, in Penguin formality., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

So the question is now: is he a man, or is he a boy?

Some of my previous birthday tributes:
--2008
--2007
--2006

PS: I like how GameBoy and Ellycat are both wearing their penguin suits in this photo :)

joy

CatGirl and the Blue, Blue Sky., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

I love the way Catgirl is completely absorbed in the moment here. No worries, just pure joy.

And, of course, the azure California sky is always the perfect backdrop...

Pic by John

sporty

Because unipeds can be athletes, too (even those of us who suspected our sporty days were long past). Just sayin'
:)
Pic by John

with kisses...

garden, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Real Roses

There are manufactured roses - long-stemmed and perfect,
thornless and free of both scent and greenfly.
They are predestined to live their hour in dressing rooms, in boudoirs.
They are extravagance made tangible, shielded by cellophane.
They die before they open.

Real roses tumble their petals onto piano tops and carpets.
They have thorns and too many leaves and smell of summer gardens.
They come with kisses.

~Clara Ortega

canoeing

Jana's Outrigger Canoe., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

Sitting in seat 4 in this picture as we're bringing the boat into shore, just an hour or so after the first time I steered the boat on the open ocean. The swells were gentle and it was far easier than I thought it would be (a bit of irony in the picture: see my crutches lying in the blue boat cover to the left of the pic?)

It's actually a bit tough sometimes to paddle one-legged, simply because I can't push with my right leg to get the trunk twist when I paddle on the left. But I'm holding my own and there's something pretty exciting about doing a sport where what's above the waist means more than what's below.
:)

Pic by John, my own personal paparazzi

I love you.

cherubic

garden, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

This funny little guy keeps watch over the wild roses. He does his job quite well.

Right now I'm blissing out with some Vanilla Rooibos tea. Yum!

her stories

rose arch, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

I've just heard that my GrandmaB--my last living grandparent--is ailing and may not live much longer...
The yard around her home was full of rosebushes and she knew each of them by name and could tell you just where she acquired them (many were gifts from family). While we lived near her, she would let me cut large bouquets of roses to brighten up our humble apartment.

It was she who got me so excited about the fragrances and textures of roses. If I had a time machine I'd love to turn back the dial and stroll through her yard with her again one last time...and hear her stories of flowers.

Pic taken in May last year. My rose arch is just on the verge of being so spectacular again...

inside

iris, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Inside one of the gorgeous irises blooming in my garden right now. Loving the colors, textures, patterns. I could gaze at this for hours.

a good deal

rudebeckia at Alcott's, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

I have travelled a good deal in Concord.
- Henry David Thoreau

I'm realizing today how much I love travel, how enticing it is now that airfares are low. To just go. To walk away from the familiar again. For awhile. (Boston & environs, you are calling my name)

Pic taken just after touring the Alcott's home in Concord with Sara and Sandra