a bit of beauty

garden, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

The first peach blossoms of the season. Aren't they lovely?

It's a rare thing to meet a kindred spirit, much less one whose body is so akin to my own and who knows the terrain of cancer even better than I.

Sara, when I think of you I remember our adventure-filled days together, your amazing baked goods, your love for all things cat (especially that wily Sam-kitty), your persistence at living by your conscience, your cozy book-filled home with its crazy slope-y wooden floors and our sharing a rich dark brew while gazing out over your garden. And of course, paddling together down the Concord river last fall when the leaves were turning and the sun was so bright that it made my eyes water...just as they are now, upon learning of your death.

You were beautiful and good and real. Thank you for sharing your self with me.

Picture of Sara and me on the banks of Walden Pond, Fall 2007

Walt Whitman is my trump card...

This weekend I played the bestest-evah game of "Apples to Apples" (and not to worry, I quickly converted everyone to Irvine-style rules...)

And when I got home, as I reflected on the happenings of this weekend a phrase from a favorite poet came to mind:

I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable, I sound my barbaric YAWP over the roofs of the world.

~Walt Whitman Leaves of Grass PS: pictures to come soon, I promise!! PPS: We found a most colorful way to send Brooke on her way to CT wrapped in the snaky love of sisterhood, several sistahs learned how to crochet by the power of inspiration, and we spent time a-plenty musing on p-words. Oh, and we had us a bit of R&R along the way. :) PPS: It's so lovely to be home once again and to feel the safe arms of my beloved.

he's growing up

GameBoy, in his element., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

right before our eyes. I love it!

if

What?, originally uploaded by mind on fire.

If our cats had names like those of Snow White's seven companions, they would be:
Silky
Sleepy
and
Skittish
(or maybe one of them might be "Saggy")

What about your cats?

PS: If you ever receive bizarre emails from me, you can be sure that they were sent by EllyCat's nether regions...

PPS: This pic has two kitties: Elly & NekoNeko (a.k.a. the ASUS laptop)

books

Fruits of My Labor., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

We've been doing a book audit and re-inventory as we switch from BookCollector to LibraryThing for managing our collection.

I love cleaning, purging, organizing. I love books. I think I should have been a librarian.

If the economy didn't suck, I might (someday) pursue that dream of mine to own a bookshop/coffeehouse. With overstuffed vintage furniture. And kitty cats. And scones everyday.

most recklessly

geranium, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night.
~Rainer Maria Rilke

Note: pic above taken in my garden. The colors are really truly this bright right now--no photoshop adjustment necessary. Isn't it lovely?

the gauntlet

Quality Time., originally uploaded by mind on fire.

Taking oral exams in grad school is really a terrible experience. Even if you pass, it's absolutely emotionally draining and it's nearly impossible to do as well as you'd hoped..

Our friend M took her Quals recently (and passed, of course!!) and then came over to our place that evening to decompress. The picture above shows her curled up with a purry Bobette-kitty, letting the anxiety of the day drain away.

Isn't it great how cats and friends and cozy purple couch can make it all better?

time to celebrate?

I've been thinking, that maybe I need to have a wee bit of a party here in a couple of weeks. To mark the anniversary of this event, and to celebrate health.

This morning as I read through my entries from last April, my heart was pounding hard in my chest. Watching the events unfold day-by-day that led to my 6-month struggle to fight the infection in my leg (see here, here, and here)...was tough reading.

And I am not taking even one day of health for granted now. Life is so delicious.

sunset

disappearing behind catalina, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Was just a short distance away from where this pic was taken when I was paddling yesterday, at just this same moment when the sun was sinking.

But I didn't dare gaze at the sky for too long, because I was wholly focused on the waves (they were big, they were choppy, and I was in the back of the boat which is something akin to being in the back of the bus). But, oh, paddling the open ocean is nothing like navigating the calm waters of the channel. The adrenaline surge is unbelievable and any thoughts of fatigue are long gone as you can only be in that moment, knowing that if you aren't working as a team, the boat will tump over. (and I have to say that I'm glad there were no cameras around because I think my chin was all covered with drool as I was yelling out the changes, was expelling each breath with brute force to get more torque, and was trying not to swallow any yucky salt water that was splashing into my face)...

This summer I'll be joining the team on a long paddle all the way out to that little island in the distance. I've never been to Catalina, and to think that my first trip will be by my own paddle-power rather than by ferry....it seems too exciting to be true.

lavender

lavender, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

My lavender is so incredible this year--I have two gigantic bushes with big tall wands of purple. The bees just love it and so do I!
:)

on the water

europe trip, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Cruising the canals in Canterbury with GameBoy and CatGirl, (and John) in 2004. And oh, how the kiddos have grown up since then!

you are...

dream rose, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

You are unlimited

Or so says the note on my teabag this afternoon (love Yogi Tea for Meditation and their thought-provoking teatag quotations). It came at a good time, at a moment when I'm feeling rather finite and hampered by so so so much that need to get done.

This rose is blooming in my garden right now and has a delicious grapefruit-rosy scent. Unlimited, indeed.

teatime

ranunculus, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

This afternoon I had a friend over for teatime (read: chat around the table with yum almond cookies & scones while sipping caramel tea). It was such fun to just chat and be a bit giddy.

There's something so remarkable about having friends sit around our table--sharing food and chatter. I love that I have so many "in real life" friends who feel comfortable in our home...who can drop by and enjoy a crazy-mellow family dinner, who can wash dishes alongside me in the kitchen, and who know each of our cats by name.

I wish all of you online friends could stop by sometime, too. But until then, thanks for hanging out here with me at my virtual kitchen table. And don't worry about the dishes--I'll take care of them later. :)

These flowers have been adding a bright spot to my table all week long.

in my garden

blue skies, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

A pic of the climbing rose vine in my garden that's about 6' high. Against that perfect SoCal blue sky.

This afternoon I relaxed in the garden and drank it all in.

Gulp.

by any other name...

John was sorting through a bunch of memorabilia last night that his mother shipped down to us. She's downscaling and cleaning out the garage.

It occurred to me as I saw John's name on various articles, awards and papers, that his name is still the same as when he was a young'un (duh, but it was the first time I'd really felt the implications of that). When I see my name on the items from my youth, it feels like relics from a different person's life--that of the girl known as Jana Bouck.

I love my married name. I love it so much that I never for a second even considered keeping my given name (it's French, it's short, it's easy to spell!). But it hadn't hit me before...the loss of continuity from my girlhood self.

Jana Bouck is relegated to the dusty boxes on our storage shelves. Jana Remy is me.

PS: I think this is the first time I've written out my first and last names on my blog. That ought to send the search engines spinning my way with greater accuracy...(hoping I won't regret it...)

I said yes...

butterfly on heliotrope, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

Today I said Yes to waking up curled up against John and hitting the snooze button over and over...and a homemade orange-cranberry scone and fresh strawberries.

I said Yes to jumping on the trampoline for my morning exercise and to giving the kitties their morning hugs. I said Yes to opening the curtains wide to let the morning sun inside, to wearing bright pink, to Rachmaninoff, and to giving myself this day to immerse myself in my research.

What are you saying Yes to today?

paddlers

Ready to roam the oceans!, originally uploaded by mind on fire.

John and I as we head out the door to a morning of outrigger canoeing. Do note the abundance of performance clothing to protect us from wet, sun, and wind. We never really know what type of weather will greet us when we get out on the water--so we have to be prepared for almost anything that might come our way.

[And building on the frugal theme with a wardrobe remix rundown: my vest is hand-me-down from my little sister, my tee is a Powell's bookstore shirt gifted to me from my Portland bro, the glasses I got for $2 somewhere (drugstore?), and my pants & John's shirts & the hats are from Nike discount store (yay for little brothers who work for Nike), John's shorts are oldies from Tar-Jay and the crutches I use were $3 or so from the Goodwill. I think John's shades were cheapies from a street vendor that he got for his Neo costume. All in all, a pretty eclectic get-up.]

frugal

What am I the most frugal about?

Books and furniture. I see no reason to pay full price for either and will happily wait for a good deal. On the latter, I usually wait until I can find it free either by dumpster diving or freecycling.

Where do I typically pay full price?

Probably food--although I tend to shop at stores where I can buy the foodstuffs I want at reasonable prices. Also, I will opt to buy the ingredients to make my own foods rather than buy overpriced prepared foods, which saves.

Where do you go frugal and where do you splurge?

[Note: Picture above is of a quilt that I pieced and sewed for my kids' school a few years ago. All of the fabrics were donated by the children and I assembled them in a collage fashion around some childrens' drawings to make something that (IMO) turned out to be high energy and fun. I loved playing with all of the donated scraps of fabric and seeing the way they worked together--making patterns out of the randomness. The quilt cost very little to make, but seems worth far more because of each child's contribution and because it has "character."]

when it's time...

Marshall Fields' Clock, originally uploaded by Atelier Teee.

Every clock in my house is set to a different time:
-My alarm clock is 20 min fast
-The LR clock is 12 min fast
-My watch is 9 min fast
-the clock in the car is 10 min fast

I think it pretty much drives my family crazy, but I really really hate being late and having all these "early" clocks helps me not to be tardy to my appointments or obligations. My kids are also never late to school.

John thinks having the clocks early is silly, because we just compensate for it. I don't think I do, because seeing that minute hand near my appointment time--even if it is a "faux" time--gets me moving faster every time.

question authority

This weekend I scraped off the tattered bumper stickers from our car (Another Family for Peace, Live Simply so Others May Simply Live, and Just Say YES to Equal Marriage Rights) and put on three new ones. One of them, "Question Authority," was John's first choice. The others: a large peace symbol and "Consume Less, Share More" were more of my choosing.

However I had a musing this morning that affirms the significance of the "Question Authority" slogan for me. As I was writing a comment on John's post about the temple ceremony portrayal on the HBO show "Big Love," I had a strong flashback of something that happened many years ago but almost made me cry as I recalled it today.

I'm not someone who has a strong tie to talismans, but I do find that certain items bring back a lot of memories. For example, I can tell you when and where I've acquired every item of furniture, or books, or the plants in my garden...I love the stories of "things" (which is probably why I love my chosen profession so much).

Many years ago John gave me a simple pair of earrings that had small white flowers dangling from them. I will emphasize the small part (I'd say there were about 4-5mm in diameter). Now those of you who've read my New Era story know that part of my affinity for flowers and gardens comes from a particular moment with my Dad when he gave me encouragement after my amputation surgery. So these small earrings that John gave me I wore to my Dad's funeral and then every time after that it was in some small way linking me to my Dad and to that special moment that we shared. I took to wearing these earrings to the temple, given that they matched my white clothing nicely and because they reminded me of how special my Dad was to me and they represented my carrying his memory with me in a symbolic way. It seems silly now as I write this, but it was important to me at that time--I'd grieved so deeply when he died.

So one day when I was stepping out of the dressing room at the temple and going to the area to wait for the next endowment session a female temple worker stopped me and told me that my earrings were inappropriate and I would have to remove them before I could pass into the ordinance areas of the temple. I questioned her lightly about why and explained that I'd worn them frequently in the temple before. "No dangly earrings are allowed," she said firmly.

I went back to my locker and curled up and cried as I took off the earrings. I don't know what has happened to them since then and I don't remember ever wearing them again.

So many things in my life have happened that are beyond my control...the loss of my leg, the loss of loved ones, and a lifetime of related health problems. And for much of my life I submitted the dictums of LDS authority, surrendering much of the control of my life to the sometimes-arbitrary though often-institutionalized leadership of the church. Perhaps this is why I have some 'control issues' now. There's a headiness to being able to chart my own course and decide what I will wear and when, or what I will drink, or where I will spend my Sunday mornings.

And today I put on these earrings before I even knew I'd be writing this post. They are reminding me of flowers, family, and how much some things change and how much some things stay the same.

UPDATE: As I was teasing back the layers of this memory while I ate lunch on my back porch (love the new table!!), I remembered one more very salient detail: the temple experience happened during a time when John did not hold a temple recommend (because of his loss of belief) and I was going to the temple alone. The earrings were a tie from me to him to my father (a man whom he had loved and respected so much). Again, such a small thing, but it's funny to remember how badly I was already wounded then and I was struggling to find comfort in the smallest of object and rituals. Of course I didn't stop being LDS because some stranger didn't like my earrings. But I was so fragile then and it couldn't help but contribute to my feelings of sorrow, of loss, of doubt, and of weariness with a tradition that no longer gave me the strength for my journey.

happy garden thoughts

peach rose, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

--Sometimes I'm almost embarrassed by how happy my garden makes me. When people walk by and I'm grinning at nothing in particular I'm sure they think I'm a bit off my nut.

--Chatting with some garden neighbors over the fence and we were talking peas and spinach and such practicalities. Then they remarked on how healthy my new rosebushes are looking and added, "Your garden just wants to be a rose garden." I think they're right. This summer is going to be amazing with all 24 rosebushes! (oh, and not to worry, I'll plant me some tomatoes, too...)

--This week I've been cleaning all the grit and cobwebs off the porches--especially the back porch. I was getting everything all set back there for a summer of evening enjoyment (nothing better than candles and just sitting in the warm evening on the back porch). I realized that what the porch needed to be 'just perfect' was a small round cafe table--for a teacup or my laptop and for a vase of freshly-picked flowers in the center. So I told the universe that's what I wanted and thought I'd wait and see if/when one came my way via a friend or freecycle. It didn't take long. Said table appeared on my bike ride home from the garden. Thank you, cosmos!! :)

but own it not...

bright garden, originally uploaded by pilgrimgirl.

I was reading a bit of Thoreau this morning (for a research proposal that I'm drafting) and came across this passage...

We have complicated our lives by seeking so much more than is needed: "From the cave we advanced to roofs of palm leaves, of bark and bough, of linen woven and stretched, of grass and straw, of boards and shingles, of stones and tiles. At last, we do not know what it is to live in the open air, and our lives are domestic in more senses than we think...We no longer camp as if for a night, but have settled down on earth and forgotten heaven."
The design of our "shelter" has become superfluously complex and so expensive that it bankrupts our very existence: "the cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it." To Thoreau's way of thinking, how much better it is not to own a house--only to be enslaved to its care and upkeep--but to feel "at home everywhere" and anywhere! "Rise free from care before the dawn and seek adventures. Let the noon find thee by other lakes, and the night overtake thee everywhere at home. . . .Enjoy the land, but own it not."

identity crisis

Can someone help me figure out what this blog is about?
Is it about being Mormon (or not)?
About living simply?
About an atypical OC family?
About all the world that's found in a flower photo?
About procrastinating one's dissertation writing?
About a girl who hasn't yet figured out that she's all grown up now?

Just doing it. Or not.

A huge question for people who no longer believe in the tenets of the LDS church is whether to keep the rules of the Word of Wisdom. The WoW, in a nutshell, states that members are forbidden to imbibe alcohol, coffee, or black tea. They also are not allowed to smoke or use recreational drugs.

Some non-believing members continue to live the WoW because they don't see any need to partake of the forbidden substances. Some abstain because they don't want others to see them with a Starbucks cup in hand and then judge them (yes, drinking coffee is a major sin if you're LDS--it would keep you out of the temple and would probably get you released from your 'calling').

Some non-believing members decide that it's fine to "responsibly" indulge in coffee, tea or alcohol. Some even smoke sometimes or try a bit of pot or X. Believers may see this experimentation as further proof that the unbeliever is under the influence of Satan. They see the forbidden substances as a mechanism for Satan to gain control of their bodies (i.e. if you're addicted to coffee you're losing your self-control, or if you drink alcohol you are more likely to have cloudy judgment which will lead to greater sins).

Mormon scripture on how Satan works:

And behold, others [Satan] flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance. Yea, they are grasped with death, and hell; and death, and hell, and the devil, and all that have been seized therewith must stand before the throne of God, and be judged according to their works, from whence they must go into the place prepared for them, even a lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment (2 Nephi 28:21-23).

So those who are no longer believers, but who desire the trust and respect of their LDS friends, are caught in a bind. Indulging in forbidden substances offers proof to their LDS friends that they are under Satan's influence. The result is that it's very difficult for the unbeliever to retain trusting relationships with believers. So that cup of coffee or that sip of wine or that beer at a football game--while seemingly benign and socially acceptable to almost all Americans...may permanently damage lifelong relationships for those who are or were members of the Mormon church.

question

If you order a pair of pants and they turn out to be just a bit on the small side (as in, they fit and you can breathe, but they are definitely 'snug'). Do you send them back for a size that would be a bit roomier--maybe even too roomy? Or do you hold on to them with the assumption that you'll soon lose enough weight for them to fit well?

pilgrimgirl classic: feelin' snappy

Originally posted on 7/31/08:
I'm taking some new meds and we're watching carefully for allergic reactions--given that I've had some rather spectacular allergic reactions in the past few days. So after taking a new type of pill I called John in to tell him that it was making me kind of itchy especially under my left armpit.

After I scratched there a bit (yah, I know I'm not supposed to scratch, but I do it anyways), I realized that there was a metal snap in my armpit.

"Can you take a look at this?" I said, lifting up my arm (and do keep in mind that looking into the armpit of a woman who is unshaven and unshowered for the past week is not for the faint of heart).

"Yep, it's a snap," John said as he peeled off the adhesive metal electrode that must've been left there after my surgery.

John then took a peek into my right armpit.

"There's a USB port in that one, but I'm going to leave it there. Because you know that could come in handy later."